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Have any of you WS's ever said, or any BS's ever heard their WS say "You should be thanking my AP for the affair, because it broke the marriage out of the dull state it was in". I've heard that from my WW twice in the last two years since D Day. Last weekend I politely said no to that remark. But wow, a knife to the gut still hurts even though it's a different knife. I get the reason behind it, but no, I'll take a hard pass on that one.

Nope, nope, nope. Fuck that noise. That is some prime wayward shit.

I’m sorry that you had to hear that come out of her mouth. Her thinking is still so very screwed. As you indicate in your byline, she’s not in the marriage. I know how that feels. Maybe start pulling back some of that 90% you’re putting in?

"You should be thanking my AP for the affair, because it broke the marriage out of the dull state it was in".

Last weekend I politely said no to that remark.

A knife in the back, a broken heart (literally), PTSD and possibly an earlier death are all excitement I could do without. Her statement needs more challenging IMO and she needs more educating than a polite no.

Wow is that messed up!!

I’m not sure how you Reconcile with someone who thinks that way.

My WH has not said that, but our first MChared something similar along the lines of this being a great opportunity to build a better marriage. For many reasons, we found a new MC but I find this sentiment so offensive. Your WS could have done a number of different things to improve the marriage or simply asked for a divorce rather than cheat. So no, she nor her AP deserve any thanks and if she says this to you again, I think you need to tell her directly just how offensive and insensitive she is.

Has she been reading Esther Perel?!

Seriously though, my WH would never say that even if he thought it (and I'm fairly certain he wouldn't think it). It reeks of justification and would indicate to me that my spouse just wasn't 'getting it' at all.

I'm so sorry she said that.

Are you thinking of just letting it go or are you planning on a conversation with her about how wrong this statement is and it shows you she has a ways to go before you can consider her a safe partner? Where are you on this?

Denny, there is going to be a discussion on this. She will know after that discussion that I had better never hear that statement again. Earlier I had posted in the reconciliation section that I sort of made a deal that for 3 months I’d give up SI if she went to IC. I’ve since been convinced by all my peeps on here (Thank You All) that it was indeed a bad deal. I can’t give up this support group and she is going to have to do some serious effort into learning about herself through IC and I’m afraid that this will now be a demand of mine. I was just curious if anyone here has experienced that statement or one like it. I mean I understand the jist of it, it created an opportunity to make something better than we had, but so far, the pain involved still far outweighs the gains. Oh, and on a side note, I learned two nights ago that the POS is now involved with 3 other women locally. Knowing that my wife risked everything for such a lowlife POS just makes what happened feel even worse.

Only quoting first post that reflects my assessment

Nope, nope, nope. Fuck that noise. That is some prime wayward shit.

I’m sorry that you had to hear that come out of her mouth. Her thinking is still so very screwed. As you indicate in your byline, she’s not in the marriage. I know how that feels. Maybe start pulling back some of that 90% you’re putting in?

1stWife also nailed it.

Sir, you still have a WW in your house.

Nope, nope, nope. Fuck that noise. That is some prime wayward shit

THIS1!!

Time to re-evaulate your situation.

She will know after that discussion that I had better never hear that statement again.

I will never understand this sentiment. The single best thing anyone can do, wayward or otherwise, is to be truthful with you. That gives you a true opportunity to make your decisions based on facts, rather than her stuffing how she feels to assuage your own feelings.

Please understand I am not suggesting what she is saying is healthy. It clearly is not. But if you hear this from her, it is a clear indication that she is far from being in a healthy mindset for reconciliation. Telling her to stop saying the aforementioned is essentially forcing her to "say all the right things" so you can feel okay, which also gives you the ability to lie to yourself that she is healthy enough to continue pursuing reconciliation.

If you want to do this the right way, rather than telling her to never say that again, let her give you the unfiltered truth. When she makes those ridiculous statements, try something like this:

"Do you think that mind set is bringing me closer to you, or driving me further away?"

Or:

"If I followed that mind set, I could justify having my own affair in order to get you to truly understand the pain you have inflicted upon me."

Lastly, who are you actually mad at? Your wayward, for making that statement? Or yourself, for pursuing reconciliation with someone who (from that statement alone) has not earned reconciliation?

180 that garbage imo. That is the sound of no remorse, and the prediction of future pain.

"You should be thanking my AP for the affair, because it broke the marriage out of the dull state it was in".

This statement is partially true but her intent and interpretation

of this statement is completely and insanely wrong and cruel. Tragedies always provide us an opportunity to learn, develop and grow stronger. Any couple who have successfully reconciled will say that their marriage now is lot stronger and deeper than it was before affair. It's because, reconciling couple have a monumental task of overcoming and moving past the worst avoidable tragedy that they have ever experienced. While doing so they develop new mechanisms, dynamics, personality traits and perception of life and love that not only help them grow individually beyond their earlier self adopted limitations but also take their relation to a level high and thick that they never thought would be possible.

But, none of these successfully reconciled WS have ever asked BS to thank AP or their affair for the things they were able to achieve after dday. All these WS have always thanked BS for giving them a chance for redemption and recovery while BS themselves walked through the hell brought upon them by their WS to give them this chance.

If this was successful reconciliation she should be thanking you now but instead she is thanking her AP. That's messed up and clearly shows this is not a reconciliation inching towards success. This level of entitlement and remorseless is concerning.

She will know after that discussion that I had better never hear that statement again.

She may not repeat that statement ever again out of fear of backlash from you but what if she continues to believe in it and act accordingly?? It's like asking a vampire not to suck your blood when you are awake because you will feel the pain. So they start doing it when you are asleep. This way you wont feel a thing but you will lose your blood and that will kill you sooner or later.

You should thank her AP or her affair for revealing what kind of a person she is and in long run this will benefit you if you make decisions for your future based on what she realy is than what you think she is.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 4:47 PM, Thursday, July 13th]

The posom should be thanking God, or whatever he believes in, that you didn't beat the **** out of him. And your wife should be thanking you for not choosing D immediately.

Copingmybest,

You wrote, "You should be thanking my AP for the affair, because it broke the marriage out of the dull state it was in".

Tell your WW, she is not an fWW, that...

"I'm thanking You for revealing who You are deep down, I appreciate the honesty".

LurkingSoul is correct.

Such moments of honesty explain why she would throw away your journal and only put in a small effort to help you recover, why she would use her friends as a sounding board to help her feel better about the affair.

Deep down she still believes the affair was justified, and you are more at fault than she is.

Going further still likes or feels good or fondly looks back about the OM, possibly she wishes it could have gone on and secretly keep your marriage alive.

What an awful thing to say / believe. This is an abuser telling the abused it was deserved. This is a shocking view of where she is, but I would not ask her to say anything different than what she is really thinking.

It's a tough thing to hear but it's also a double edge sword, you don't want her bullshitting you, it's best to know exactly where she stands. She has not even begun recovery, she is thinking fondly of the AP, and he did you a favor. See it for what is a an unremorseful WW.

Stockholm Syndrome is a condition in which people develop positive emotions and associations with someone who is keeping them captive.

We now know that when your marriage becomes "dull" again the go to solution that your wife thinks will break your marriage out of its "dull" state. That is not an acceptable solution for any rational married person... to have an affair in order to change a "dull" marriage into an exciting one.

I do not know your story. One thing I wonder is if your wife was a "party" type girl before you became a couple? If so, she might be missing out on the partying excitement. Of course, I could be entirely off base with that question.

I wish you the best of luck going forward.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 6:29 PM, Thursday, July 13th]

Wow.....

I dare say that your WS may be lacking in basic empathy and is a long, LOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG way from owning her shit. It is clear that she does not have remorse for her actions - heck, it doesn't even sound like she regrets them.

I'm sorry Coping, you deserve much better than this.

OMG - NO! My WH would never dare to say such a thing as I'm 100% sure he knows that would be a swift "see ya and please do not contact me again" and then he would be deleted from my phone, and my life, forever. The ground on which WH sits with me will forever be somewhat tenuous - but something like that - especially if he really felt that way - thank you for your honesty, but, HELL NO to continuing on with you!

Maybe start pulling back some of that 90% you’re putting in?

How about deleting ALL of that 90% your putting in??? Honestly, I haven't really heard anything more indicative of a total lack of empathy and remorse on here in a long time, and that's saying something.

EDIT: Sorry still stunned...THANK the AP?!?!?! What in the actual fuck???? Honestly, aside from being a WS, your WS does not sound too bright as anyone with any sense whatsoever would KNOW not to say that even if they felt it. Are you sure that your WS is not purposefully trying to break you down? I mean my own WH admitted (later) that he would say horribly insensitive things as a power play - in order to stun me into submission...to be a jerk to get me to back down on my questions or "demands" or whatever. Are you sure that isn't what is happening here? (Which BTW isn't any better - you should still back away from this person as they are not respectful of you at all).

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 6:59 PM, Thursday, July 13th]