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Don't tell her to never say such things again. As mentioned,it's important that you hear these things,so you know where her head is.

That said..she's never shown remorse. She clearly still has her OM on a pedestal, she threw away your journal, she's done nothing to help move you into true reconciliation. And this statement tells you exactly where her head,and heart is. My friend..how much more abuse are you going to take? Are you in IC? Have you tried the 180? I'm seriously concerned about your mental health.

As others have already pointed out, she's either:

1. Trying to deliberately mess up your emotional state (be it part of some sort of perfidious power play or driven by blind, primitive malice),

or

2. She lacks basic empathy and self-reflection.

Now a million-dollar question:

Do you feel comfortable having someone like that as an important part of your life?

Many of us were raised or somehow programed to believe that if we are good to others, they will be good to us (or love, value us) in return.

I learned in IC that this is Codependent Thinking 101.

What we do, how we behave, how we treat people should be done because of how we feel about ourselves or the situation while doing it--a No Strings Attached approach to what we do for others. We answer to ourselves, and that's what should motivate our actions. Period.

You cannot control whether other people love or respect you. I mean, certainly you can do things that push them away! But love and respect are not mathematical equations. Me + loving, kind actions toward you = you loving me and respecting me. Untrue. There is no equal sign.

People who are Codependent (all the time or only in certain primary relationships) find this truth completely unjust, outrageous, wrong, and offensive! How dare you not love me! You owe me! I have been great to you! And the marital dynamic can breed this over time, but that doesn't mean the dynamic didn't become unhealthy or imbalanced where the Giver kept giving for love in the M, all while the Taker kept taking--clearly taking advantage of their power in the R (consciously or subconsciously). So even Ms that start off fairly balanced can and often do become imbalanced over the years. Not blaming anyone, but trying to "make" others happy while ignoring your own needs and the way you are treated in the R or in the M is never healthy for the couple.

I detest "Happy Wife, Happy Life" for this exact reason! You cannot "make" her happy. She needs to do that for herself while you do it for yourself! We are always responsible for our own happiness. And generous actions toward others are great if they come without expectations and if you also offer such generous giving to yourself--not just giving to others and leaving your well dry! (And no, back to the beginning of my post--you cannot "expect" fantastic treatment because you selflessly gave! You cannot control other people! It just does not work that way! My IC actually called this behavior of "giving to get" MANIPULATIVE!)

So short explanation turned way too long, you cannot make your WW love and respect you. You cannot:

Wait it out

Win while doing the Pick Me

Ignore hurtful behaviors

Suck it up

Rugsweep

Convince her with logic

Force her to "learn" in IC

Recruit an MC to fix her

Cry enough in front of her to make her love you

Remind her of all you've been through

Lovebomb her

Take the high road

Or nurture her to loving you again

Your job is to love yourself and who you are in this world. That means you should feel good, proud in the choices you make and the way you treat people. And you should protect yourself from harm by having strong boundaries that do not allow others to harm without consequence (like losing access to you and time with you, losing your love and respect, etc.). You are responsible for loving and taking care of you. Only you. Are you doing that? Or are you spending all of your time trying to control your WW with these discussions and negotiations? Because my friend, she is not your job. How she feels is up to her and not you. You are your job, your only job. Start doing it. Love yourself.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:39 PM, Thursday, July 13th]

Hellfire, I always appreciate your candid and to the point responses. I am seeking out a new IC as I felt like I got all I could out of my previous one. I guess I’ve always kept hoping she’d come around, my heart has wanted it to happen for so long. My head keeps telling me what I need to do but my heart won’t let it. It’s tough, and yes it hurts a lot. I’m resilient, just like my mother who is the saint of all saints. She’s been through what I’m going through now and she is the definition of a pillar of strength. Knowing what I know now, I admire my mother more than ever. I know at some point I need to quit carrying the load. It has been tough mentally, but so far I’m ok, thank you so much for your concern (by the way, I’m sorry that you have been through such tough times recently, it really makes me cry inside for you). I’m beginning to feel numb to it all, I feel strong enough to carry through all this but sometimes I feel like something could just snap at any moment and, as they say, that’s all she wrote. I’m just trying to take one day at a time. I’ll keep you all posted as to how things go. Love you all!

Sceadugena, I believe it’s the 2nd, she’s had some childhood issues losing her mother early and her dad kind of leaving her to fend for herself at a young age. She’s admitted to having to learn to figure out things alone and she’s admitted to having issues being empathetic to others needs. I’m willing to work with that for a short while but to
E is running out. It is a heavy burden to carry this on my own, but I do love her, there are so many aspects of our lives that are great when we are together but this is a very tough hill to cross and I only have the strength to carry this for so long. I need help from her or i need out to try and start new. I would be leaving her knowing that I still love her but it’s up to her to show me what our marriage and me are worth.

Oh, and a side note to those who have said I need to change my profile signature that says 90%, for some reason, I cannot edit anything in my signature, when I go to my profile page, the heart just keeps beating. I’m even denied on editing, story of my life. Lol!

I’ve sort of penned a thank you letter that I’m thinking of running past my wife that I can send to "Asshole Extrordinaire"

——, I want to give you my heartfelt thanks for the last 2-1/4 years of sleepless nights, I want to thank you for injecting your selfish ways into my family life upsetting everything I’ve had. Thank you so much for helping my wife to abandoned her vows from our wedding day. I’m so thankful for the stress I live every day wondering if my wife can/will remain faithful from this day forward. It makes me feel so awesome knowing she was willing to risk everything we had ever worked toward to spend a few months with someone who is such a piece of shit waste of life, it makes me feel so special knowing that someone like you could be so special that it could overcome an honest, hardworking individual thus reducing said persons to a numb individual who questions everything in everyday life. I’m so much happier now that I feel like my soulmate lets me know how undesirable I must be to not put forth the effort to help me heal through this all. And should things not work out for us in the end, thank you for the destruction that will befall our children and the business that I use to earn my keep which will surely be wrecked in such a way that the rest of my days will likely be spent rebuilding it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

How’s that for a thank you letter.

(Sorry, I’m feeling a tad pissed off now! Time to chill a bit)

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 10:26 PM, Thursday, July 13th]

Give it to her. I think it will drive your point home nicely.

Had my fWW said that to me, it would have been completely over. No reconciliation, no mediation, strait to court with charges of adultery and abandonment. And his BS would have had my full support.

In reading other posts I see that you are the BS whose WS stole their diary and destroyed it or some such nonsense. I really hope you find the strength to take a step back.

I don't like the armchair diagnosis of codependency - so I will leave that to a professional, which I am not. That being said I hope you ARE seeing a professional. Your WS is not a safe partner.

I don't like the armchair diagnosis of codependency

It's not a mental illness, and nobody gives this as some sort of official diagnosis. There is no medication ot hospitalization or rehab. It's not a condition. It's like being an overachiever or a control freak or being avoidant, which we pretty much non-stop label people as (rightfully so). It's just a personality trait! Not a personality disorder.

You identify or you don't. But just like being avoidant, if you don't own the deficits in your personality (which we all have)--label them, name them, address them--then you can't work on them and have the life you want. After all, we can only work on ourselves, nobody else.

It's a common trait, that's why there is an article in the Healing Library. "Codependency in the Marriage: a BS's Common Mistakes." Exactly.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:05 AM, Friday, July 14th]

This reminds me of the recent thread where reconciliation for the WS, especially in marriages that have inherent problems, are a pretty good deal for the WS. They get to jumpstart the marriage, and often end up better than they were before, while still getting to have sex with someone new which was often better and certainly in most cases more exciting than with their partners.

You wife spelled out what many WS think, which is even though their affair caused pain, in the end it was worth it cause I got everything I wanted. Again, not everyone but you will never know as most WS’s are smarter than yours and know better than to say it out loud

As for the letter, I get where you have every right to be angry at him, but I would turn the letter around and spell out not what he did to destroy things, but to the person who actually did. Your WW.

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 2:27 AM, Friday, July 14th]

My friend, gently, you are putting your energy in the wrong places. Please reread all of the advice to all of your posts. Your WS is not remorseful. She is not doing the work. She is not trying to R with you. You are trying desperately to make it all work the way you want it to for BOTH of you. This just will not work.

So, NO, don’t edit your signature. EDIT YOUR BEHAVIOR. What possible real result would changing the 90% in your signature produce if you are still actually GIVING 90% to R when she is putting in (a questionable) 10%? You seem to be focused on gestures and words rather than real change either on her part or on yours.

The thing that worries is me is that you will end up feeling like you actually DID something here with writing this letter, something that will improve your situation, something that constitutes putting yourself first. But you really haven’t. You are still just impotently responding to her shit through your hurt feelings. In many ways, giving this to her will be an empowerment to HER: you are dancing to her manipulative and hurtful behavior rather than setting the boundaries and rules for R yourself and maintaining them with consequences.

She seems to be focused on pretending like nothing bad has happened. . .TO YOU! Why does this not hit you between the eyes? She caused the pain your are in and she does not care to help you heal. She is focused on destroying your diary to get rid of the record of your pain. She is focused on trying to reframe reality for you so that you are grateful to her co-conspirator in your betrayal. That very sentence is ANOTHER betrayal of you.

And now, you’ve spent more time and energy writing an actual letter to him that you hope will. . .do what exactly? Finally make her see? Make a point through sarcasm? My friend: She. Does. Not. Care. She is not trying to understand you by saying these things. She is not trying to make anything right. Stop playing her game. Stop validating her ridiculous bullshit by taking her literally and responding in kind.

If it helped you in some way to write this letter, great, but please do not pretend to yourself that your pain affects her, that your letter will make her see, that you are accomplishing anything at all by focusing your energy in this way.

You need, as others have suggested, to stop focusing on her and her shit and start focusing on yourself. You need to learn how healthy a boundary that refuses to allow someone bent on causing you continual pain through dismissing your deepest feelings and distress can be. You need to focus on things that you know can renew your sense of peace and satisfaction in yourself.

Right now, that IS NOT HER. Not in any way. Focusing on her right now can only hurt you more.

Hoping that you can find your way to some peace and self-regard that shuts the door on her until she can pull her head out.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 2:56 AM, Friday, July 14th]

Copingmybest,

How close does the OM and OMW live to you?

Do you kids go to school with his kids or maintain friendships with them?

If so it can keep you triggered for a long time.

You mentioned in a prior post that OM has a stash of money to give to an old girlfriend, drop a dime to the OMW about this.

Also did your WW write out a timeline you can give to the OMW.

Coping,

We all hate AP. However, I’ll be honest, your thank you letter sounds more like picks me dance than anything else. AP sucks, we all get it. And I get the context that you are writing it. It’s still pick me. It still is "AP sucks and here is why, and I am so great here is why". That is pick me dance, and at best what do you win in the end? A spouse who cheated on you and doesn’t even have the decency to be responsible. No one wins pick me. Ever. Remember, your WW did this. She isn’t innocent, she made her choice.

If you’re going to do the thank you letter, how about "POSOM, thank you for showing me who my wife really is, wish it had been sooner so I didn’t waste so much time"

Don’t get me wrong, I am pro R, and I am also a BH, but from your WW throwing away your journal, to that callous statement, and you claiming to be doing all of the R work…you are not R, you’re just not D yet.

Hey all, I just want to clarify, I’m not sending that to anyone or showing it to my wife. It was more of a hypothetical "what would that letter be comprised of" venting episode. To show that to my wife would be a hurtful gesture and I’m afraid I’m a bit above that. I’ve taken the high ground this whole time and I actually take pride in my composure through this tough time. It may not be the right way, but no one will ever be able to say I didn’t give it my all, and for that I can hold my head high.

I guess I’ve always kept hoping she’d come around, my heart has wanted it to happen for so long

I'm so sorry and yet also so glad that she has shown her true colors once again.

She continues to show how very lacking in empathy she is.

We'll, if it comes to it, she can thank your divorce attorney for ending a relationship where she emotionally abuses you.

Copingmybest

I wish you were on the right way rather than a high way. Right way will get you desired results. High way will get you what?? Few claps and appreciations?? You will still be in a messy marriage around unsafe wife.

It's not a mental illness, and nobody gives this as some sort of official diagnosis.

I meant it more like I'm not going to claim someone is co-dependent after I read a few of their posts. I don't know them. The term bugs me - total pet peeve of mine.

I get where you’re coming from but if your wife doesn’t know exactly how you feel about this in every aspect… aren’t you rug sweeping also? And yes it is possible to stay married without truly being in R, but R is so much better. I don’t know you so I can’t know for sure but I get the sense you are somehow "hiding" behind what you consider to be the high road. You are only able to take the high road if you are being authentic to your WW as well as yourself. I get the sense that you are not authentic with either. Again, how could I know that. Just asking you to look inward and test yourself.