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realitybites ( member #6908) posted at 2:14 PM on Friday, July 14th, 2023
Oh gosh....the painful selfish statements a WS makes while still in the wayward mindset.
If I take that phrase at face value, she is also still blaming you for the A....in a passive aggressive way. She is blaming you for the "dullness" in your marriage. Not herself. Meaning it takes 2 to be in a relationship, but she is blaming you for the "no fun" aspect of it? She is great cuz she left you and found someone to have fun with? So it must mean "she" is OK somehow cuz she still knows how to have fun? See what I mean? You must be the dull one in the marriage, is what she is sneaking in there.
It's twisted backwards logic. It's a form of gaslighting as well.
I know you want to keep your marriage, I know that feeling well. But you won't be able to heal yourself if you don't dig deeper into trying to figure out WHY you want to stay with this person. I know this is hard....it took me a long time and a couple different therapists to figure it out. And it is scary to think about an actual divorce, for some it stops them in their tracks.
Not saying you have to get a D, but just saying that you may want to keep digging not only into this statement but keep digging into why you feel so responsible for most of what happens in the marriage and she gets away with not.
Trust me....not blaming you at all, this is a classic wayward tactic of still putting the blame of what all goes on in the marriage on the BS's doorstep. She is not even close to being a safe partner to be with as she does not even know what she is saying to you. Have not read all of your back story so I apologize if I do not know...but has she sought ANY IC on her end to figure out why she did what she did? Or are you the only one going to IC?
A positive note is that you DID recognize that this statement was not OK, but you have been brainwashed for so long that you needed some help to decipher it. You will be surprised that when you finally are able to open up your brain you will start to recognize and admit to probably much more that she has done I would think. We BS's tend to shove away hurtful things along the way until they implode into an actual A. That is why people will say that the A was only the tip of the iceberg.
[This message edited by realitybites at 2:16 PM, Friday, July 14th]
Stop expecting loyalty from people who cannot even give you honesty.
He stopped being my husband the first time he cheated. It took me awhile to understand that I was no longer his wife.
Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 2:53 PM on Friday, July 14th, 2023
"You should be thanking my AP for the affair, because it broke the marriage out of the dull state it was in".
This is wrong on so many levels that it makes my head spin. "You know what would really perk up our dull marriage? If you were to GTFO for a few days because I'm not hearing this BS."
Any statement that feels like it's saying that the A was a necessary step on the path to an improved marriage enrages me. It tells me that person has no appreciation for the pain and trauma they've caused and that they feel very little pain from having caused it.
Maybe you got a better marriage in the deal. I got a lifetime of pain. That hardly seems fair.
A better marriage could have resulted had the WS sought IC when they realized that they were about cheat on someone they swore fidelity to. That could have lead to MC and an improved marriage without the devastation of an A.
Me: 62, BS -- Her: 61, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled
FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 4:12 PM on Friday, July 14th, 2023
If you weren't going to send it or show it to your wife why did you say this? "I’ve sort of penned a thank you letter that I’m thinking of running past my wife that I can send to "Asshole Extrordinaire""
You're a very nice guy and don't deserve what you're going through. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:59 PM on Friday, July 14th, 2023
Maybe you got a better marriage in the deal. I got a lifetime of pain.
Really this is all you need to say in a nutshell.
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 3:41 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2023
How much more abuse are you going to take before you finally realize your "wife" is not reconciliation material? People like her enjoy twisting the knife to get a reaction. It really seems like she is amused by your pain and wants to see just how much she can get away with.
Your post and comments are heartbreaking.
"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:32 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2023
You don't get a better M because it got broken out of dullness. If you get a better M, it's because of work you both did after d-day.
Your W's statement indicates she knows little about making M work. She's not participating in making a better M, and the result cannot be a better M unless both partners work at it.
My reco is to reread realitybytes' comment above.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 7:18 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2023
Threads like this bother me…
Posts where the BS thinks they are in Reconciliation, but then the content strongly indicates that the WS isn’t. The WS is at best in rug-sweeping and justification. Then – maybe 2-3 years later – the BS posts that reconciliation is a myth, that it’s not possible and that everyone and anyone is better off divorcing.
Insisting that the affair "improved" the marriage is about as logical as bringing a six-pack of suds to your sponsors meeting at AA …
Friend – when your wife says things like that you need to shut it off immediately.
ANY and EVERY improvement to the marriage COULD HAVE BEEN DONE without her first deciding to have an affair.
It’s the WORK of reconciling that improved the marriage – not the decision to reconcile.
This needs to be so very clear. She needs to fully understand the damage and pain the affair caused, and that the ONLY reason you two are still married is because you decided to give it a go. Her willingness to remain married is ONLY enabled by your decision.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 9:51 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2023
And she broke a lot of other important things at the same time.
Trust
Vows
Honour
Your heart
Marriage
Your family
Respect
Really dumb
ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 8:37 PM on Wednesday, July 19th, 2023
This statement by your WS has stuck with me and bothered me so much I was thinking about it again last night, shaking my head, when I realized why.
Your WS is not telling you to thank the AP for the A - your WS is telling you to thank them for having the A.
If you frame it that way, which is how you should frame it as that is precisely what your WS is saying...what is your response? You are trying to reconcile with someone who wants you to thank them for having an affair. Does it seem possible to reconcile with someone like that?
Someone told me years ago that every once in a rare while, the WS slips up, and let's you into their head. This is one of those times. Your WS has told you precisely how they feel about the A - grateful it happened regardless of how it has made you feel. Beware.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:38 PM, Wednesday, July 19th]
You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.
Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts
3Hundo ( new member #78650) posted at 6:09 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023
I think you should give her the letter. I think folks are missing the point. The letter IS to HER. Yeah, he addresses the AP because she said the "you should thank him..." bullshit. But, all those feelings in the letter are because of her actions and I think it would drive the point home nicely that even considering thanking the AP is absolute nonsense.
1994 ( member #82615) posted at 6:50 PM on Thursday, August 24th, 2023
What did you ultimately do with the letter?
Copingmybest (original poster member #78962) posted at 11:20 AM on Tuesday, August 29th, 2023
It wasn’t really a letter as much as it was a venting of my frustration of my situation in that moment. I typically never "knee jerk" react to things. I’m almost always methodical in what, and how, I do things. I remember reading something once that said, once you say it, you can never take it back. That venting "letter", was a bit cruel in its delivery. There were more kind ways of getting the point across, and that’s what I did. Sure I could have presented her with what I wrote, but that’s not who I am, and I’m proud of myself for always taking the higher ground. There’s a feeling of being "the better person" that is rewarding to my self esteem and honestly, that’s what matters most to me.
FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 2:04 PM on Tuesday, August 29th, 2023
For those of the Christian faith, Jesus was/is arguably the biggest martyr ever. Yet, the Christian bible talks about a time when he had righteous anger, and used that to challenge those who were doing wrong. If he, as the human embodiment of God can become angry and express it, are you, a mere mortal, expected to allow yourself to be abused in the name of taking the higher ground? I believe your own spirit demands that you not allow yourself to be downtrodden, nor to lift up those who do not deserve it at the expense of yourself. Find your righteous anger. Find your inner core and use it to life your own spirit. She will find her way, or not. That is her journey.
(This is not about religion, but a discussion about "taking the higher ground" vs. standing up for what is right, even for yourself.)
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