Hi SI’ers,
I’m here again, no matter how many times I tell myself or how my therapist helps I always end up back at the feelings bit, I’ve been back here for a week or so so I’m guessing my brain is finally ready to process this feelings bit. My H has and does say he had no feelings for AP, he said he wasn’t attracted either, he says he was aroused and it was sexually exciting. He always says to me, ‘you’ve seen her, she’s not attractive at all’ which is correct. 70% of me believes my husband was tempted, 30% goes haywire and 100% of Bruce thinks Brain should just fuck off!.
I know my H, I know his appetite and I’m sure if he had a desire or had fallen for AP then he would have taken up all of her offers and more BUT I know him only to myself and when he was single, when you are M with kids there’s conflict etc so I think this is where doubt creeps in. Any advice on how I can finally shake this would be greatly appreciated.
Looking back on our M I’ve never really felt safe with H I don’t think, he’s always from day dot been a conflict avoiding people pleaser and loves to be liked, I think he confuses being liked with being respected. His FOO issues are vast and honestly I’m not without my own FOO issues but damn my heart absolutely breaks for my H and how he was raised, the beasts he calls parents and through communism wasn’t pretty, some of the stories he’s opened up about that I never knew are just horrible and the shame that was placed upon him throughout his life is horrible, even to this day he is shamed by his father.
BUT he thought that providing was enough and don’t get me wrong my H is an excellent provider, we’ve never gone without anything we’ve ever wanted or needed but emotionally?, completely neglected, add to this being blackmailed by his parents for 14 years to leave me and the boys and this is where the emotional connect and disconnect has come from in our M.
When I have a meltdown my H emotionally withdraws, this reminds me of the old him and bam I want nothing to do with R because here’s the old him back again.
Add to this loops, triggers, waves and grief and I’m up to my neck in ‘I’ve had enough of this bull shit’.
I have a list as long as the English Channel of behaviours that trigger me that I’m not willing to accept anymore and it pisses me off that I have to sit and explain why I don’t like them and why I won’t accept it anymore and it’s exhausting, it feels like too much.
I triggered badly when a drug addict beggar approached our car while we were having a coffee, he asked for money I said no we don’t have cash, the beggar said he wants food and then my husband pulled out his wallet and gave him money, did he get food?, no walked straight past McD’s and pocketed money. The meltdown that ensued was what my H thought was the end of our M, the absolute weakness and avoidance is becoming a big turn off.
I still struggle to look at him and not feel conflicted, I think to myself how will I ever look at this man the same again?, I’m not sure it’s possible.
We had a lovely day out at the seaside the other day and we went out on the speed boats which was so much fun, as we walked back to the car I was triggered by a shop called ‘AP SURNAME’, I kept it to myself and went along, then on the motorway on the drive home there was a sign, ‘don’t touch your partner’s genitals whilst driving’ my H laughed and said ‘we’ve never done anything like that have we’ I completely lost it and said no but you did it with the fucking work whore didn’t you, I’m glad you have something that’s just yours and hers. He had to pull off at the next service station so I could get myself back together and he apologised. I don’t understand how he can’t see these things, when I asked him why he didn’t think he said because he buried what he did and it was difficult for him to dig everything back up but he said because it meant nothing to him he doesn’t think about it.
Thank you all for listening this was a big one, any advice or words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated.
