SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

*Dorothy needs to vent some steam *

*Caution profanity ahead*

If everyone f*cken read on SI........

Nobody would f*cken think that infidelity is funny and should be laughed at. There would be no f*cken movies or sitcoms portraying the BS as getting getting in the way of the WS's and AP "true love"

Everyone who knows about the WS's f*cken A, would get in line to tell the BS . There would f*cken be nobody that knew about the A and didn't tell the BS aka f*cken co-conspirators.

Everyone will f*cken know that the BS had nothing to do with the WS decision to f*cken cheat. Nobody would f*cken chose to lay any kind of blame on the BS for driving the WS to cheat.

Nobody would f*cken believe the WS when the WS says that the f*cken reason the WS cheated was because the BS wasn't meeting the WS's needs. Everyone would say to the WS "You selfishly chose to cheat and put the BS life in danger because you were f*cken selfish. Stop f*cken blaming the BS !"

*Dorothy thinks to herself the world would be a f*cken better place if everyone f*cken read on SI*

*Dorothy goes into the bathroom and washes out her potty mouth with soap and water *

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 6:37 PM, Sunday, August 17th]

* Dorothy admits that before she got cheated on, she, herself was a clueless non BS *

* Dorothy admits that she, herself, also believed many of the misconceptions and social norms that she is railing against in this thread*

I guess the title of this thread should've been

" Nobody will ever know the how much the A damages the BS until it happens to them. I'm so grateful to have found SI"

F*ck!

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 10:56 PM, Saturday, August 16th]

I worked for a divorce attorney for years. Thought I saw it all.

Was always a "kick the cheater to the curb" mindset. Every boyfriend that cheated I left immediately.

It’s different when you are married. With kids. And a mortgage. And careers. And families.

However I can share one thing that stands out about cheating. While my husband has deep regret for the choices he made, he once said that he wished someone would’ve sat him down and made him see the error of his way so to speak

To which I replied do you think you would’ve listened?

And his response, while honest was probably not.

Until it happens to you, you have no idea what the aftermath of infidelity is like.

And just for the record, I think that cheaters who were at one point a betrayed spouse, or partner, is even lower than a cheater who never was having live through it. You would think they would never want to put their spouse or partner through that type of pain, but I guess selfishness rules.

f*cken-a sista!

Ah Dorothy, how true, and don’t hold back on the profanities, they’re quite justified.

I want to explode at my WS sometimes that she just doesn’t get it, even like many many years after it all came out that she’d been f*ken around on me, how much damage she’s done and is still doing, especially every time she shuts me down, says she can’t remember, thinks I shouldn’t think about it, changes the subject etc.

But I wonder whether reading SI would have stopped her, or any other WS for that matter. I doubt it would. I think cheats are ‘hard wired’ to be the way they are.

Until it happens to you, you have no idea what the aftermath of infidelity is like.

Good Lord this is excruciatingly true. It felt like I was burning alive while the world around was just trundling along absorbed in its petty crap, all of which seemed so meaningless, trite, and almost alien, even though I'd been living in it two days ago.

The people who knew about it had absolutely no clue how to help, didn't want to see or hear about my pain, and usually said some mundane crap that just made it worse.

Even 9 years on, now that recovery and reconciliation is a given of daily life, when I hear some unthinking comedian, influencer, or commenter casually blabbing out adultery "content" I usually join Dorothy in shouting something along the lines of "Shut your ignorant ass face, you self-absorbed blasé fucknugget!!"

... which I can get away with because I'm a trucker now.

I have to say this is my favourite thread since discovering SI. They (cheaters, WS, whatever you want to call them), just don’t get it, they can’t empathise, no one can unless they have been the victim of it. That whole ‘blasé’ thing, it is that lack of understanding, lack of appreciation, lack of empathy, lack of insight. Still feeling the hurt decades later, and I see it a lot on SI, it’s common not to be over it decades later.

I don't think reading here would have stopped my WH.

The AP husband found out about their EA, both my WH and AP said they would end it, about 6 weeks later she met my husband at his hotel.

If the fear of her husband finding out and informing his job didn't stop either one of them, nothing would have IMO. I'm sure the ONLY reason the other BS didn't out my WH on the job is because he and AP also worked for the same company, he would expose his cheating wife as well.

The thing is cheaters think they are so smart, they won't get caught, some don't. Then when they do and the sh*t hits the fan, MANY, not all, are extremely remorseful, take a hard look within, blah, blah, blah, but the damage is already done which takes YEARS to repair.

[This message edited by annb at 8:19 PM, Sunday, August 17th]

Kick ass and take names Dorothy!!!! I'm amazed at the extent which cheating has been romanticized throughout time. Even with things like King Arthur and Guinevere and Sir Lancelot, Lancelot was an asshole. It needs to be said. So was Guinevere for that matter. But shit like this gets romanticized. Look at all the Hollywood movies trying to make this understandable, if not actually acceptable. I find it revolting. What's worse for me though is POPULAR MUSIC. Often this is NOT voluntary choices - we have to listen to this in gyms, restaurants, stores, on hold, etc, and I just long for silence but I'm struck by how many songs have cheating as a backdrop. I was in a store yesterday listening to some whining cheater begging for a 2nd chance when I'd probably give him a boot in the fanny. It was "Second Chance" by 38 Special and was a very big hit. There are a lot of these, and it comes up so casually and I just want to strangle them all with piano wire. Not that I would, of course, heh heh.
So rage on, because many of us hear you and agree.

I think people need to realize that in life there are often two types of people (as observed several times in "The Good The Bad and The Ugly") and they really are opposed to each other like Cat and Mouse. There are the Faithful and the Cheaters...to some extent each has, at least in our culture, based on their behavior on Judaeo-Christian social norms. The Faithful strive to BE faithful....the Cheaters strive to HIDE their cheating....but I think our essential natures are often in conflict. The Faithful would be faithful if there were NO social norms, it's our nature. Those who cheat would cheat no matter what, it's their nature. We each have our preference, how we want to live. Sure, when it comes down to lying and deception, Cheaters are often damaged people, but if it were purely based on just sexual behavior....I think it's their preference. Most of them are basically non-monogamous, they don't take it seriously, monogamy doesn't mean much to them, probably sex doesn't mean much to them - not on an emotional level anyway. And we are the exact opposite. Cheating may not even come up much for the non-monogamous...it depends on whether they are strongly motivated to do this and an easy opportunity arises and they can hide it. There are conditions to be met, just like whether you steal something in a store depends on motive, means and opportunity....except cheating is not really illegal. Maybe it should be because of its impact on families and society.

A basic problem we have in relationships is that we get swept up in the romance and sexual desire of the blossoming relationship, and are so pleased we have things in common, seemingly common backgrounds, whatever, that we never have these ugly, honest discussions about sex, marriage, love, relationships, duty, expectations, etc. I doubt if any couple in a 1000 have any discussions about this - the default is the societal norm of fidelity and holding vows, but that's not how many people actually function in reality or want to. And when we find out that they start acting according to their actual beliefs and desires, we blame it on addictions, compulsions, porn, whatever, instead of just recognizing - that's the way he or she IS. You either accept it or you don't. And if they want to stay in a relationship with a Faithful person they HAVE to change or control themselves. Or it should not continue.

I think that's the problem so many people have with reconciliation. They try to force each other, especially the Cheater, into behavior they don't, at their core, really want or believe in. So they cheat again and you have successive D-Days.

I'm talking more about serial cheaters which I think are more common than we realize, esp in early days when we're not looking. One offs and ONS may have different psychologies but I think those come down to some combination of opportunity and temptation - we're not good any more at recognizing that we have to LIMIT TEMPTATION....I can't be alone with a bag of chips, it's just never going to stay virginal in my hands - and that many people just don't regard it as that serious especially if they can successfully lie about it. Even for the one offs, cheating serves some kind of purpose - maybe it's their way of a quick and dirty feeling attractive or changing their lives, doing something risky but that can be kept compartmentalized or "secret" unlike a motorcycle or giant tattoos. And cheating to a lot of people may have just that kind of significance, even to one offs.

People have to have these awkward conversations and maybe more than once because...at some point many people just revert to their desired behavior especially if they think you're occupied and not watching.

I think it’s also worse when the cheater has been cheated on and knows and understands the pain and damage, yet CHOOSES TO CHEAT ANYWAY! 😡

I also believe most cheaters NEVER think they will get caught or found out, which is why they don’t hesitate for a nanosecond to cheat.

Again just my opinion.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:29 PM, Sunday, August 17th]

I to was one of those that bought into some of the bull spewing from the media about infidelity. Most of it I just didn't think about since it had never happened to me or any one I knew.

Boy was I wrong!

The devastation I felt on D-day was like nothing I've ever dealt with before. Burning alive is an apt analogy for how I felt. Reminds me of the scene in Terminator 2 where Sara Connors is incinerated by the nuclear blast.

I think it would be better if everyone's morals or dedication made sites like this unnecessary.

Until it happens to you, you have no idea what the aftermath of infidelity is like.

True !

f*cken-a sista!

Thanks !

Ah Dorothy, how true, and don’t hold back on the profanities, they’re quite justified.

F*ck yeah !

Good Lord this is excruciatingly true.

I agree !

I have to say this is my favourite thread since discovering SI.

So glad you like it !

Kick ass and take names Dorothy!!!!