SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

Found out about 6 weeks ago that my wife (f50) cheated on me (M47) twice in summer of 2024 and kept it a secret for almost a year. Found out from one of her friends (who had a falling out with her) who told me that she had cheated on me with a 24 year old man. Over the next week, as I asked a lot of questions, wife herself came clean about another cheating incident that happened 10 days before this one, in a different town. Both were during work trips where she stayed at a hotel overnight for multiple nights. Wife is now very remorseful and doing her best to save the marriage. Saying all the right things, attending multiple marriage counseling and individual counseling sessions to try and save our marriage. She has given me all her passwords, access to her phone and real-time location. She is also looking for a new job that does not require travel.

I just can't figure out why she would cheat. We have had some ups and downs, but our marriage was in a really good place in summer of 2024, at least from what I saw back then. Also, we have a 10-year-old daughter who we both love very much and would do anything for her. Wife had a huge drinking problem at that time and both times she was extremely drunk and even high on pot at one of the occasions. Some reasons she has stated so far that have come up in discussions are:

Feeling Old - Mortality

Thoughts about leaving me (very surprised by this), as I had gained weight and was not responding to her pleas to start taking care of my health. (I know I fucked up here and should have taken care of myself, but how about communicating how you are feeling clearly, instead of going and fucking other guys?? Not a valid reason to cheat in my opinion, well I suppose there is never a valid reason to cheat.)

Issue with new boss (She is in sales, travels for sales, and had just taken over a totally undeveloped territory. Also, her boss was an A-hole, and she was having a very tough time. She was looking or a new job at the time)

*Says she never planned on cheating and "It just happened". I have a very hard time believing this, but she is a very big flirt and combined with drinking, it is possible she got carried away. I think she knew exactly what she was doing, and did it anyway. Both times, she had numerous opportunities to stop, but did not.

*Therapist is saying that there has been so much past trauma (childhood and early years, before she met me) that is unresolved, causing her emotional instability. She has been suppressing this trauma all her life and it needs to be addressed... I don't know much about this phenomenon, but I suppose it is possible. She did have a very tough childhood and parent's home was always full of alcohol and drugs.

*Wife has stated that she was dealing with Pre-menopause, hormonal imbalance that were messing with her head

First incident was with the bartender (M39, muscular and good looking) of the hotel she was staying in. Work was usually from 6 AM to 11 AM, and apparently, she was at the bar drinking all day from about noon until 9 PM when bar closed. She was flirting with the bar tender, who was flirting back. When bar closed at 9, the bartender asked her if they can sit in the lobby and finish their drinks together, as he said the bar was closed. I think this was his way to getting her alone, as the lobby area where they sat was not visible to workers at front desk. That is where he approached her for a kiss, and she obliged. Soon after, she and bartender went to her room and had sex. He apparently left as soon as they were done (he probably had a woman at home waiting for him).

Second incident was 10 days later in a different town. She was out with work folks at a beachside restaurant. They all left around 10 PM, but she stayed for a nightcap... or she says. She met this young guy (M24 also muscular and a perfect 10) who started hitting on her and buying her shots. They apparently danced for a while at the bar (with him picking her up in air at one point) and eventually him and his three friends asked her if she wants to go with them to a beachside bonfire a short uber ride away. She went with them, and they smoked pot at the beach by the bonfire. This is where the 24 year old kissed her. I am sure she was sending him signals all night, during dance and pot smoking. They then took a cab ride to her hotel room, around midnight, making out during the ride. When they got out of the uber, he tried to yank her wedding ring of her finger, but she instead took it off herself and put it in her pocket. They made out in the elevator up to the room (this was always our thing in the past) and had sex with him rest of the night. Woke up as the sun was coming out as the guy was leaving but does not remember much of it at all as she was so drunk/high on pot.

Couple of days after both incidents, she sent messages to her best friends (4 of them) and telling them what she did. She sent them pictures of the first guy (bartender)and she had apparently made a video of the second guy (m24). It looked like the guy was laying in her bed and they had just finished having sex. He was stroking his cock but wasn't fully hard anymore. She was talking and laughing with him, but you could tell she was completely hammered. In her text messages to her friends couple of days later, she was bragging about fucking the 24-year-old.... the message included the video... I suppose it was an ego boost for her?... She says as she thought more about what she had done, she was very ashamed and realized she had spiraled out of control. She says she felt so guilty she could not look at herself in the mirror.

She stopped drinking after the second incident, which was amazing as she had tried to quit multiple times and spectacularly failed each time. She has been drinking since she was 13 and grew up with alcohol and drugs around her house. She says she wanted to change herself and not have this happen ever again, so she cut out boos completely. She even started taking us all to church. She started paying a lot more attention to me and showing me love over the last year. She now says that absence of alcohol has brought clarity to her mind, and she has realized how low she acted and will never hurt her family again. So, it does sound like her remorse was genuine and she has really tried to be a better person and wife over the last year. She swears on her daughter and dead father's grave that she will never cheat on me again.

Also, we have both been tested for STD since D-day and both are clean. She swears she used protection both times. We are in somewhat of a holding pattern, but I am proceeding towards reconciliation. We are both seeing IC and together we see a MC weekly.

My question is, why would a loving wife cheat on her husband? She calls me the "love of her life"...I can't get my head around the fact that this has happened to our marriage. I never imagined it was possible, especially as she was so against anyone who cheats because her mother cheated on her father... twice. She was a complete daddy's girl and never forgave her mom for cheating, so very surprised she did the same. Says she started seeing her mother in the mirror and it made her so ashamed and drove her to change herself. She is extremely remorseful, so I know she is very sorry for the pain she has caused me. I can tell she is genuinely sorry and wants to make it work. Says the pain she saw on my face when I found out was soul crushing and she never wants to hurt me again. I just can't figure out why she did it. Any folks out there who can shed light on what could have made my wife cheat? It can't be just the alcohol, although I know it played a significant role in it. Thanks for reading my long-winded story and for your feedback.

Update:

Thanks to everyone who has commented and given me advice. It is much appreciated and there is some very sound advice that was given. Here are answers to some of the common questions people have asked so far.

Q) Did she quit alcohol after I found out?

A) No, she started her efforts to quit alcohol about a week after the second incident. I noticed on a family trip that she did not order any alcoholic drinks and only sparkling water and unsweet tea. She did slip up a couple of times and got drunk, but got right back on the bandwagon and has been sober for about 9 months. D-Day was about 11 months into her alcohol recovery.

Q) Are her friends encouraging this behavior? How are they in their marriages? Did the friend who spilled the beans want to be with the AP and was jealous

A) All four of there friends involved lived in different cities. They are all good friends from the time they lived or worked together, but they do not hang out with us as we live about 10 hours away from all of them. Two live in the same city, and the other two live in different cities, all about 10 hours away. We do not share any circle of friends with these four. Also, the friend who spilled the beans, had a falling out with my wife about two months after the video was shared with her. She was dead set against what wife did and advice her to stop and get help. This friend has been in a two year relationship with her BF and is happy in the relationship. My wife and this friend's relationship took a dive over the next year, with her friend finally telling me what had happened. Two other friends were very surprised and had thought that we were in a good place in our marriage. They told her that she is "playing with fire" and needs to stop. Both of these friends are single, one is divorced for many years now, but still very good friends with her ex-husband (who is also our friend), and other has never been married. I know them well enough to know that they are not cheaters, but they do go out on dates and tell my wife about them. The fourth friend is a cheater herself, and celebrated my wife's cheating, and has been single for a while with 2 kids. I have told wife this woman is not acceptable as a friend going forward.

Q)Is your wife just regretful for getting caught or actually remorseful?

A) That is a questions I have asked myself many times since D-Day. Knowing what I do know about my wife over the last 12 years, I can tell you that she is remorseful. I know this may not sit well with some, given the fact that I had no idea she was cheating, but I can tell you with certainty that she is remorseful. She has told me that when she finally realized what she had become, she could not look at herself in the mirror. She saw herself as her mother, who she hated for cheating on her Dad. Also, given the fact that she had given up alcohol (well before I found out) and started pulling us to church (well before I found out) tells me that she wanted to change. Also, some might say that maybe she was afraid her friend would tell on her. The relationship with her friend did not hit boiling point until about two days before her friend told me. It was a message exchange in which my wife basically called this friend a "cun$" regarding an issue they were having with a blown up holiday plan they had together a few months ago. There was no communication between them since that event, but wife finally reached out to her to try and make peace, but ended up blowing up on her. The friend sent me video consequently siting that my wife had called her a "cun$" and this is the price she will pay for doing so.

Q) Has your wife had alcohol problems in the past?

A) She has been an alcoholic since she was a teenager. She has tried many times to quit, but has never been successful until she gave up alcohol about a year ago (11 months before D-Day)

Another edit:
Also, some people have asked me what I wish to do now. I really want to make it work and have some of what we used at the beginning of our relationship. Now, I know it will never ever be the same considering the cheating, but I am hoping it will get to a "good" place, where we can love and trust each other again. I know we both want that.

BUT,

I have no trust is her at this point. I am hoping this builds up over time. I know she genuinely wants to stay and make this work, I know she genuinely started making positive changes months before D-Day. I know alcohol was not the reason she cheated, but it did lower her inhibitions that allowed her to act on her desire. I suppose we all look at beautiful people and fantasize once in a while, especially when things are not going great in our lives, but we don't act out on it. I am learning that alcohol and being extremely drunk can give you enough of a nudge to cross that line. I am very happy that she is staying away from alcohol. I can tell when she has had even one drink as her voice changes. I know she had not indulged in boos in a months. All this gives me some hope that maybe one day we can recover to a very happy marriage, maybe even a stronger one.

On the communication and honesty front, we have never been as open to each other in as over the past month. We even started having sex again about a week ago. It was not planned, but I initiated it as we were just cuddling, watching TV together. It has been the best sex of our lives, even better than the "honeymoon phase" of a new relationship. I looked this up, and it is called "Hysterical Bonding". We are having sex 3-4 times a day, every day. I don't know if this is good or bad, but it seems to be getting us closer to each other, and along with the openness in communication this is giving me hope for the future.

The day after I posted my original post, we sat down and started talking (as we do everyday about the two cheating events), and she has finally started opening up to me about what was going on in her mind. She admitted to being attracted to the first guy (that's obvious) but also told me that she had inappropriate thoughts while she was at the bar. They were both hitting on each other pretty hard, and at some point during her time at the bar, she realized what is likely going to happen at the end of the night. She knew that she wanted to have sex with him, well before they sat in the lobby and he kissed her. I knew this all along in the back of my head. It was an obvious thing to me, but she kept saying she did not really plan it, and it "Just happened". I know there had to be some realization on her part that this would happen (while she was at the bar) before it actually did, and she finally admitted it. As hurtful as that is for me to accept, I already knew this in my mind. Her willingness to come out and say that to me shows me that she is trying her best to give me answers.

She told me same about the second incident. She was planning to just drink at the bar and leave, but the opportunity arose, and she gave in to her desires again. She said she was really flattered by a 24 year old hot buy hitting on her. Which is kind of idiotic in my opinion. You see a married woman alone at a bar, getting hammered around 11 PM, and when you approach her she shows interest, most single men in his right mind would take advantage. You would have to be pretty hideous for a man to reject an easy lay. How is this building up her ego? or making her feel young. I know it is thrilling and she finally admitted that is what she was after.

All this is extremely hurtful, and it is shallow on her part. She said this herself, that she acted very shallow and selfish, and feels extremely ashamed that she put her family at risk and has severely damaged our marriage. Silver lining, she realized this soon after the second one, and made changes in her life to make sure she never puts herself in the same position again. I think giving up boos is a huge step for her, and shows she is genuinely interested in saving our marriage and preventing further damage.

I know I am rambling, but just laying out my thought that are currently taking over my brain. Thanks for listening!

[This message edited by innoculatdimmunity at 3:40 PM, Thursday, August 14th]

It’s because her cheating had nothing to do with you or your marriage. Cheaters are selfish and in the moment when the opportunity arises they won’t think about you or the consequences at all, in that moment all they think about is what they right then and there. She cheated because she wanted to, she got a thrill out of it and from her texts to her friends, she was not remorseful at all. Instead she bragged about it. She also never had enough remorse or guilt to clean on her own but had to be outed by one of those friends she texted. Are you sure there weren’t others that her friends don’t know about? She says you are the love of her life but be careful and find out your options in a divorce even if you want to reconcile. That will protect you and also show her potential consequences of her betrayal and confirm for her how serious this is. Right now she just got exposed so she is doing damage control, she wanted to have her fun on her business trips but didn’t want to lose the comfortable home life with you. Right now because she was exposed she saying and doing everything right but is that because is really remorseful or because her world is about to fall apart because of her cheating. She may prove to you in time that she has changed and will change so she can be trusted again but don’t jump into reconciliation too soon, you need some space for yourself to think about everything and she needs to prove to you that she is even worthy of reconciliation. Someone that takes pictures and videos of the guys she cheated with and then texts them to her friends bragging about her unfaithful exploits is something I would have a hard time getting past, that sounds like the opposite of remorse, she was actually proud of her cheating!

[This message edited by Rfv3311 at 2:28 AM, Wednesday, August 13th]

I am very sorry you are going through this. It is a trauma. You feel sad and angry and filled with rage yet hurt and depressed all at the same time.

I’m tired of hearing "rough childhood" as an excuse for cheating. Also after the fact she was laughing and joking about it with her friends. Bragging about it. Soo….its not like she felt terrible immediately. She only felt terrible long after the fact.

And in typical cheater behavior she blames your weight and her job and I’m certain a bunch of other things as to "why she cheated". Let’s hope one day she wakes up and realizes she chose to cheat. Period. That will go a long way towards helping you heal.

Honestly you can make yourself crazy trying to figure out why. The only logical explanation is because she wanted to.

Please do not allow her to pin any of this on you. This is not your doing — it is hers. 100%

I'm so sorry your wife did such a horrible thing TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I can't imagine someone who actually loves her husband doing such a thing. I honestly can't. But I think there are times especially in a longer marriage when there are various - well, shall I call it, force fields of love, where some times are stronger, more romantic, more in depth....and other times are weaker, more filled with frustration or anger or other negative emotions....towards the spouse and towards the marriage, towards herself, towards life. I think this was a time when she just didn't love you or anything very much. I think what she's describing to you about why she did it is probably accurate - it's that time of life that many people cheat. They're getting older, feeling unattractive, not that attracted to their spouses, works sucks, everything seems old, tired, not much of a future, etc etc. So having an affair, cheating, is for some people, like getting a sports car or plastic surgery or something that makes them feel something out of the ordinary. It's a jolt, risk taking, out of the ordinary experience. What it also means is not only that your wife was willing to act on these emotions, which many of us can understand these feelings....but she didn't have the morals and principles to hold her back from ACTING ON THEM. Many of us fantasize about cheating on occasion, esp when things go bad, esp in a situation where opportunities present itself as they did to your wife, the difference is your principles. I can tell you that drunks don't have much by way of principles or they wouldn't be drunks.

So she did what she did and....that seems to be it. It sounds like the full weight of it has hit her and she wants to change substantially especially with the drinking. I come from a long line of alcoholics, I know that's hard to do. From what you say she does seem to be genuinely remorseful and willing to change and that's exemplified by cutting out the booze. QUESTION: Did any of this start - any of these changes or attitudes BEFORE you found out from the friend and she had to confess?

So you do have genuine actions backing up the statements, which is important. She needs to keep it up and show you consistently.....from her on in....that she would never do this again, and that she handle her feelings of middle aged malaise in some other, productive way. BUT HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS? From your question about how could she do this it sounds like both you're trying to figure out how this is possible and reconcile it with what you know of your wife and marriage up to that point.....and also does she actually LOVE YOU. I don't know. You and she have to have some serious in-depth discussions about what love is like, what it means, what you want, for both of you, but especially you as the injured party. It's normal to go through some periods in marriage when you're just not that much in love, many people do, but is this how someone acts out - to casually go to bed with guys she doesn't even know, which could have ended up in several different ways, none of them good. Personally I find that pretty horrifying for a wife and mother - for my own standards. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS YOURSELF? You have to sort this out and whether you actually do want to continue with this marriage.

I think right away when people find out they try to rush back into normalcy and that's where the Recon stuff comes from - the desire to get back to safety, to where you were before, to re-establish a norm, but that does wear off eventually for most people and then you're left wondering.....how could she just jump into bed with guys she doesn't know for one night stands?

I can't imagine you're not going to be thinking about this in the future and wondering if you can start seeing and feeling about her the same way you did before. Now you have a new wife in front of you who is capable of something you probably never imagined. I don't know what to tell you about that because you have to experience it and YOU have to decide what YOU want ultimately. Is this relationship acceptable to you?

I don't generally support Recon, I think even if people can seem to make it in the short term.....it comes back up later. Recon is not something that, IMO, should be rushed into or just given right away. IT SHOULD BE IN DOUBT. It should be EARNED. She should never take you for granted again. She should never just expect you to be there. You should become a prize to be won back. And not just by stopping drinking, but in other ways that are more personal to you....as we do when we are dating. IMO, she has to show she would choose you again....and you have to decide if that's good enough for you. I'm saying all of this because a lot of people will tell you how recon is possible and a good thing blah blah, but I'm going to tell you...if you don't start thinking about whether you really want to continue to be with this new person that you've just met.....your wife.....you will eventually anyway.

Stay strong, take care of yourself, and don't let her off easy, don't be too forgiving. This is a serious, in many ways, often unforgivable, crime against a spouse, family and I think, society. This was a rotten thing for her to do. I would advise you to talk to a divorce attorney anyway and see what that would look like for you, knowledge is power.

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 3:30 AM, Wednesday, August 13th]

I just can't figure out why she did it.

Figuring out why she chose infidelity to alleviate whatever issues she struggles with is her task, not yours.

Most of us want to know why. Few will ever get anything close to an acceptable answer. Childhood trauma, alcohol and drugs, life stress, career issues, etc, may all be contributing factors, but not the true reasons.

If reconciliation is in your future, she's going to have to dig deep... very deep... to figure out why she'd blow-up her life. That takes time and a lot of work. One day, perhaps, she'll have an answer for you. Until then, don't drive yourself crazy trying to understand.

You are right, there is no valid reason for cheating. Don't try to get a rational answer for why she cheated.

Short answer: because she wanted to.

More importantly: what is she doing to address her issues and brokenness that allowed her to betray her wedding vows.
Take care of you. Watch her actions not her words.

Hello,

I think I may have read your wife's post about this on Mumsnet...I'm not sure if it still there.

I am sorry you're going through this...it it the hardest thing I've ever experienced.

As to why would a wife cheat in a happy marriage...I have learnt that infidelity is to do with the cheater and their need for external validation, they are the broken ones, not us. It is sad your wife could not feel fulfilled as a wife and a mother and I am sure she will look back in shame, embarrassment and regret and feel like a fool that she let these young men use her (no 24 year old man wants to be with a woman old enough to be his mum) and realise it was nothing to brag to her friends about and it definitely wasn't worth the pain and damage she has caused you and your child.

You have already got some good advice and not much I’m going to add to that right now. But there are a couple of issues I would consider:

For one, they cheat despite us, not because of us. The reasons she gives about mortality and all that... are perfectly valid. I believe nearly all infidelity is rooted in validation. Validation is a normal requirement, but most of us get it in healthy or accepted ways. Like... a promotion at work, a pay-rise, looking out your window on your perfect lawn and beautiful house and paid-off truck, being hugged by a loved one, lowering your golf handicap, benching more than last time... all ways we use to validate that we are good, doing well, good people...
She might have had a need for validation that she still "got it" or whatever, and that is maybe an understandable need. How she got validated however is NOT acceptable.
To use a comparison: It’s like if your solution to financial difficulties was NOT budgeting, working more hours and cutting down expenses, but rather robbing a bank.

Second: Elaborate on her drinking. Has it been an issue in the past?

Third: What concerns me a lot about her behavior is how nonchalant she seems to be in sharing with her friends. Not only seemingly in a shared message, but also with sexually explicit material. It indicates that for her this wasn’t really a big issue.
It also indicates an expectation that for her friends this isn’t really a big issue. That is – fidelity in a marriage.
I would have more understanding if it was one friend, shared in a combination of shock and awe, with maybe a touch of shame and regret. But from what you share it’s more like a video of me bragging to my fishing buddies.

What was the falling out? Is it possible that this friend had qualms about the cheating and keeping it a secret?
I think you need to really evaluate the quality of her "friends" and if they are truly friends of the marriage.

So she lied to you for a year and continued to lie. She would have never come clean. She put you in danger of contracting an STI.

Was she drunk when she was boasting and bragging to her friends and telling them all the things she did for these men and what she allowed them to do to her? Has she told you how willing she was to do things with these men that she would never do with you.

How many times have you been around her friend group where you know they were snickering and joking about how you don't satisfy your wife.

Let her go and let her get better for someone else. You may never see her the same again. I think it would be very hard to come back from being humiliated.

[This message edited by TheFog at 3:39 PM, Wednesday, August 13th]

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're joining our group. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are also some good ones that aren't pinned, and you can find them by looking for the bull's eye icon. Another great resource is the Healing Library, which is located at the top of the site. The ICR (I Can Relate) forum may also have some threads that you may find helpful.

Your WW (wayward wife) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice blueprint to get her started on helping you heal. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. It's more clinical in nature but has some a really great chapter on boundaries.

The reasons she gave you for her cheating are just excuses. She made conscious decisions to cheat on you and then lie to cover it up. She could have talked to you, gone to IC, asked for MC or just divorced. Instead, her decision was to cheat. She needs to work on becoming a safe partner.

Don't let the MC try to shift blame to you. While you were in the M and can own your issues, it was your WW's decision to cheat.

My wife had the same BS excuses initially. She did not feel connected to me, I was cold to her (BS),she was closing in on 50, she didn't feel good about herself, the usual trove of nonsense.

Why do people cheat? Because they want to, because they have opportunity, because they are selfish. My wife and I are only working through the fact that I caught her sexting with a 40-year-old married coworker. There is zero chance that I would try to reconcile what you have been through. I am just not able to comprehend how someone can trust after all of that

Had your wife come to you out of guilt and confessed you would have a much stronger base to start from but she didn't. She was comfortable keeping it to herself to the Grave. You got lucky that her friend told you

Could your wife change and become the best wife on planet earth? Maybe. Only you can decide what is best for you. Maybe I am flawed but just the fact that my wife hid something from me for several months and pretended to my face that everything was fine, told me she loved me, kept talking about our Dream to relocate to Tennessee in 4 years, I still have trust issues with her

If I hadn't stumbled into what was going on there's no telling where it would be today but I am confident that it would have eventually progressed to physical even though my wife is adamant that she never would have let that happen. I said you can say that but what I read in those texts is proof that you were headed in that direction.

Skip the MC, stick with IC for several months and then decide if you want MC

Because it feels good in the moment.

OP, sorry that you’re here. It’s a place none of us ever expected to be. You’re most likely still in shock, but pay attention to the advice being giving here. Some advice may seem counterintuitive, but the collective wisdom here is priceless.

There are several things in your post that I find concerning. Your WW wife may be saying all the right things, but it looks way more like regret than remorse. She was outed by a friend and now is trying to save her comfy life while losing the ability to have fun sex when she wants.

Being drunk is not an excuse. After the first time, she knew exactly what she was doing when she went to the bar the second time. And, she was NOT drunk when she told her four friends and then sent explicit pics of her "conquest". She was intentionally humiliating you. She knew her friends would tell their husbands and other friends. She knew that in future social situations you would be the only one in the room that wouldn’t know she was fucking other guys. WHO DOES THIS? You’re going to be triggered by this in social situation forever. Who knows, who doesn't, and on and on.

Finally, stop the MC. It’s the job of MC’s to try and save the marriage. In most cases, they will try and lay partial blame for this on you. Don not sign up for this. You both should stay In IC only. Finally, know that if you decide to R, it’s possible, but you’ll be signing up for years of pain. Hoping for the best for you.

If you could get every bs on here, from the beginning, to tell whether alcohol was part of the cheating dynamic, it would probably blow our minds. My h traveled when he cheated and there was a lot of wining and dining so I am sure that played into it.
No excuse for her behavior just interest in how things progress to the point someone in a good marriage would do something this stupid.

Duplicate

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 5:48 PM, Wednesday, August 13th]

You have gotten great advice and it’s all true. You may have contributed to issues in the M, but the decision to cheat, repeatedly, was hers and hers alone. Alcohol may have made it easier, but it didn’t make her do it the first time and certainly not the second time.

Right now she has regret- that she got caught. Read the post about regret vs Remorse in the JFO forum and you will see a big difference.

That she sent her own sex tapes basically to her friends is very concerning to me. She was not worried about being caught. she was bragging.

If she wants to R with you, she has A LOT of work to do and finding new friends is one of them. Friends need to be friends to the marriage and not co-conspirators of a cheating spouse.

Hang in there - you can get through this. Just watch actions and don’t listen to her words. Words are cheap and easy and don’t mean much.

Keep focusing on you. eat healthy, drink lots of water, avoid drugs and alcohol, get exercise daily, and prioritize good sleep. See your doctor if you are having issues with any of these. Focus on you and your kids.

Many Cheaters cheat because they have some unhappiness in themselves. The attention from
Cheating serves as an aspirin to temporarily alleviate their pain. It has zero to do with you or the marriage. People can have a happy marriage, but be struggling internally with something unrelated to the marriage. That’s why cheating happens in happy marriages too. It’s the cheater that’s unhappy. And yes, it’s selfish, but I don’t think they see it that way as they are doing it. I think if you asked most cheaters (exception for those who truly want to leave their marriage) that if they knew they’d be caught and devastate their spouse would they still do it, they’d likely say no. They are just delusional enough that they think "what they don’t know won’t hurt them and it makes me feel better". I think their pain is so intense they lack the ability to see anything other than soothing it. However, this is not an excuse, justification, or reason to forgive. It’s a quick soothe rather than doing the hard work.

Infidelity is a choice and not a mistake.
The cheater avoids expressing feelings with their spouse and creates a fantasy world where they are desired and powerful. The family means nothing because it is all about them and their weak ego.
They will compartmentalize this perverted fantasy world while living with their real spouse and children.
The dopamine hit from this perverted behavior will continue until the spouse discovers the truth.
Then their world will blow up, crash and burn!

I'm sorry if my response was somewhat disjointed last night, I was being interrupted constantly. Because I am descended from a long line of alcoholics - both parents, grandma, uncles, cousins, etc., I think I have some insights into Boozers. One of the things I do believe is that drinking is an excuse for behavior. It's not the REASON for the behavior. If I got drunk, and I have been shit faced in my own life (although I've never been addicted and I haven't been drunk in close to 40 years now), there are many things I simply would not do including having one night stands. And I could have, of course.

I've seen that drinking gives you an excuse to do things that you want to do anyway, and then you can blame it on the booze. My father was an extremely unhappy, angry man, who had had a difficult life with a lot of loss and bad experiences. He would get drunk and beat up my mother until her family beat the crap out of him, which stopped that abuse, but then he still got drunk and incredibly abusive verbally and in very threatening ways. He also acted out in other ways as time went on, and booze was always the excuse. The real reason was that he WANTED TO DO THESE THINGS for various reasons, and the booze became the enabler to allow him to be "up to it" and be the excuse. I think many people who cheat use booze and drugs as the excuse. They actually WANT TO CHEAT and they've thought about this in advance....you don't just go pick up guys in bars for one night stands on an impulse....I think your wife was thinking about this beforehand, maybe her friends like the one who ratted her out, does this kind of thing (that would be my guess), maybe your wife has been encountering things in the past year, 2-3 years or so, maybe more, that made her think of this. The opportunity arose, she got drunk and allowed herself to do this and now she can blame the booze. It's NOT the booze....it's her. I want you to understand this. The underlying problem can't be addressed or fixed unless someone is honest about wanting to do this behavior ANYWAY and the need to change beyond stopping the drink. Booze does not make you rob banks and screw strangers. It just gives you the Dutch courage and the excuse.

I'm wondering if your wife has been in a new environment in the past couple of years or met new friends or something has changed in her social group in the past 2-3 years or so? Often we are influenced or given ideas by the people we hang out with.

Don't accept the booze as the reason. She did this because she wanted to for whatever reasons. She wanted to feel and experience something different from her regular life.

My friend, I'm like Columbo.....Just one more thing. I'm sorry. I know how painful all of this is for you, I do, but it's better to deal with the pain now on the front load, than to find out more on the backload through trickle truth or catching her in other things. Because I went back and re-read your story and realized I was focusing too much on the drinking - which she's trying to blame for her actions. It's not the drinking as I say. She planned to do this stuff and wanted to do it. She may have even been doing this before and this is first time it came out. Someone who has sex this casually with guys she doesn't know, and even went back with a group the 2nd time (although she says it was just the one guy) is not someone whom I would trust. At all. I think you will find out that there's more to this story. I reread this portion:

Couple of days after both incidents, she sent messages to her best friends (4 of them) and telling them what she did. She sent them pictures of the first guy (bartender)and she had apparently made a video of the second guy (m24). It looked like the guy was laying in her bed and they had just finished having sex. He was stroking his cock but wasn't fully hard anymore. She was talking and laughing with him, but you could tell she was completely hammered. In her text messages to her friends couple of days later, she was bragging about fucking the 24-year-old.... the message included the video... I suppose it was an ego boost for her?... She says as she thought more about what she had done, she was very ashamed and realized she had spiraled out of control. She says she felt so guilty she could not look at herself in the mirror.

Nobody sends shit like this to their friends casually. She's done this before. And it's NOT because she's drunk, that's her excuse, her dodge. My guess - and this is a guess - I am a very cynical person because I have seen a lot of shit in my life - is that this is a game she does with her friends. Her friends are all bagging guys like this, like it's big game hunting, and this is like a Cheaters Club, and yes, shit like this exists, especially as some women try to play macho like they imagine guys do. They bag these young guys and try to outdo each other and then they brag about it and exchange stories. I have to wonder if that "friend" ratted her out because she ALSO had interest in that guy your wife bagged and maybe was jealous over it. What kind of falling out would these women have where they would tell something like this on each other? Jealousy and competition.

Now that I have reread this and I'm ignoring the drinking aspect because that's bullshit - yeah, maybe she uses that to work up the nerve but....it's not the reason....the reason is this game I think she's playing with her girlfriends. I bet they are ALL doing this or they wouldn't be accepting of it. If I knew my gfs were doing this stuff....I would drop them like volcanic rocks. There's MORE to this story. And your wife is an excellent liar, IMO. And she does NOT respect YOU.

I would not pursue recon here. I understand people stay together for other reasons - children, financial, health, etc - I've done that. If I had the money and good health, I would not be here right now. It's okay to stay for whatever reason, but you have to have VERY CLEAR AND FIRM BOUNDARIES YOU WILL NOT BREAK OR TOLERATE BEING BROKEN. And you develop that with a lawyer. I would talk to a lawyer both about what divorce looks like for you - bring financial records - and also how if you do decide to stay, for whatever reason, how you might protect yourself and your child.

Now as to how you find out what's the rest of the story, that could be tough because as I say, I think your wife is a champeen liar and it can be hard to catch them. She's offering stuff to you, I guess, but she could have burner phones, apps you don't know about and other people from her Cheaters Club to cover for her. You just don't know. I would personally assume the worst, but I always recommend if people can afford it....to get a PI and work the situation with him. Your wife will probably be good for a while since she's been caught, but maybe he can track down some of her history. How long has she been traveling for work alone? What's her boss like - maybe she's having difficulties with him because she played him. You have to consider all the things you don't know. Don't assume she's what she's presenting now. She wouldn't be sending videos and photos and shit to her disgusting friends if she were. This is some practiced shit and she's bragging about cheating on you with the trophies she's bagged. Consider a PI. But DO talk to a lawyer and find out what the picture looks like for you. I really do recommend a PI because not only can they find out info, but they can recommend things and they've seen everything. If you tell a PI this story.....see what he or she tells you. Your wife may be well behaved for a while now, and you can pretend to believe her (I wouldn't) but....be prepared. There's more to this than she's letting on and this is NOT about booze. I think she's a very fake person with a dangerous hobby. Again, I am so sorry, but I would rather warn you and have to have the short pain and be wary then think this is everything and find out more later....some people find out 10-15 years down the road, you can read those stories. You don't want to be one of those unfortunates. If you accept the risk, at least do it knowing what the full exposure might be.

The other suggestion that occurs to me, if you know her friend group and their spouses and bfs....you might consider approaching them and asking about their spouses habits....as I say, I think this is a CLUB ACTIVITY, like a group hobby. Yes, this does happen. Maybe some of the other men can put this together with you. But I do think the best idea is a lawyer and a PI. I'd borrow the money for a PI if I had to. The documentation he or she can provide may also be helpful aside from just the pure info. Now I might be completely wrong but.....I don't think so. Sending pics and videos and bragging to some bunch of hoes does not sound like a tragic drunken mistake to me.

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 9:34 PM, Wednesday, August 13th]