SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi! I’m so grateful I found this website so quickly. I’ve been reading several posts here, but I really want to share my experience because I’m feeling so stressed out. 😢

I (33F) have been with my partner for 8 years (36M). We’re not married, and we actually broke up 2 years ago because I was working too much and not paying enough attention to the relationship. That was completely true — I have a very stressful job — so he emotionally detached and broke up with me abruptly. After we reconciled a month later, I made real changes and everything seemed okay, except I never fully trusted that he wouldn’t just leave like that again. I didn’t want to tell anyone we were back together until I felt sure — but I ended up letting too much time pass.

Because of this, when we were about to tell our families about us at Christmas, we hit a crisis point again just before doing it. He emotionally detached again in January, we split up, and he moved in with a friend. I asked him to go to couples therapy, and in February he also started individual therapy, as recommended by our couples therapist. We worked on things until April when he completely detached again and we broke up.

In June, he came back with a list of things he wanted to change about himself — things he’d worked through in therapy — and he said he wanted me back in his life. I was much more cautious this time and told him I needed to see real changes before making any decisions, because this on-and-off cycle is not for me. He agreed he’d have to maintain the improvements and really work on his issues.

Everything seemed fine until two days ago, when he confessed that he’d had an affair with a coworker (specifically, a university intern). She showed interest in him, and they started talking in mid-March without him telling her he was in a relationship. They hung out once, then a second time when the affair actually happened at his friend’s house. He says he felt bad about it, so he met her one more time but nothing happened (he says he started detaching from her), and then the fourth time he broke it off completely (again, he says nothing happened that last time). Now he wants to tell me because he wants to come clean and "start over with honesty," but honestly, I don’t know who he is anymore.

He’s been apologizing constantly, offering to quit his job (even though she’s not there anymore) and even saying he’d move in with me if I return to my hometown (I moved for him 4 years ago, but he was unhappy living there). But I just don’t know…

His friends tend to cheat a lot and are very promiscuous, so they downplay things and make me feel uncomfortable, but he validates my feelings and says that’s not how he wants to live either (though I don’t understand how he did this then). He made a conscious choice, even if he thought we were going to break up. He says he loves me and that he dissociated because he needed validation, but the same thing happened with his ex — he wanted an excuse to end that on-and-off relationship too. He clearly has a pattern, even if this is the only time it’s happened with me. He genuinely seems to want to be a better person: he goes to therapy twice a week and is putting in the work, as he’s a fearful avoidant with some narcissistic traits when it comes to seeking validation — but he’s never hurt me or invalidated me in any other way. Still, even though a part of me still loves him, he’s always enjoyed getting attention from other women and he never really stopped it (even if it was meaningless, it made me feel jealous). But an affair? I would never have imagined…

I don’t know what to do… I love him so much, but the social judgment that comes with forgiving an infidelity is so hard to handle

[This message edited by JumpOn at 2:36 PM, Wednesday, July 16th]

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that infidelity is part of your story now. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some other excellent posts that aren't pinned, but you can find by their bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources.

If you are having trouble sleeping or with depression, ask your doctor about some meds to help through the short term. You should also be tested for STDs/STIs as there are some nasty diseases out there that can kill you. IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal specialist can be helpful, as they have specialized training that other therapists don't have.

You're right - he made a conscious choice to cheat and didn't just "make a mistake." A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. Cheating is making conscious decisions to lie, cheat and betray.

It sounds like he's a serial cheater, and it's difficult for them to really dig in and do the work to change their behaviors. Two days ago he related another A (affair)? He has horribly failed the boyfriend test and really isn't good husband material. Add that his friends are a bunch of cheaters? Nah, not for me.

"His friends tend to cheat a lot and are very promiscuous, so they downplay things and make me feel uncomfortable"

Many of us on this site have experienced this. I am truly sorry for the pain this sort of thing causes.

I 💯 place the responsibility for what my exwh did on him. His family and friend influences he chose to be around had values that were contrary to a healthy safe monogamous marriage.

I am sure more people will be along to offer support.

I personally chose not to have friends that are enemies of my partnership or marriage. Exwh chose these people over our decades long marriage. It’s been awhile since this happened to me, but I long stopped caring why he did what he did and just accepted that this was what he chose.

Again, I am truly sorry you are experiencing this.

He clearly has a pattern,

So true.

Sometimes it’s not enough to love someone as you can tell. You gave him a second chance and he did not keep up with his end of the bargain so to speak.

I think you know the answer but you are afraid to acknowledge it. It’s hard to make those types of decisions which lead to significant changes.

You don’t have to break up b/c your job overtakes your time - you talk about it and work together. You don’t need to cut and run every time you don’t like how things are going.

His words should mean nothing at this point. His actions should be what you base your decisions on.

I hope this helps you.

Not married, no kids; move on.

You don’t want to spend the rest of your life wondering why he’s late getting home from work.

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 8:49 PM, Wednesday, July 16th]

Thank you for all the responses... I was trying to convince myself to forgive him because I still love him and it was only a one night stand affair once and he's taking theraphy very serious. But I can't stop thinking that I want to have a family and I need stability... Even if he goes to theraphy his theraphist can't give me an estimated date to wait... So I can't wait forever...

Also, the feeling of treason is very high

[This message edited by JumpOn at 10:20 PM, Wednesday, July 16th]

She showed interest in him, and they started talking in mid-March without him telling her he was in a relationship. They hung out once, then a second time when the affair actually happened at his friend’s house.

I was trying to convince myself to forgive him because I still love him and it was only a one night stand affair once and he's taking theraphy very serious.

There are multiple types and many levels of affairs. Emotional affairs, physical affairs (short of intercourse. Hugging kissing, oral, digital, manual, etc). Your writing comes across as defining intercourse as the "affair". (Then a second time when the affair actually happened…). ALL the talking, sneaking, hanging out (and failing to disclose he’s in a relationship) is part of the affair. "True" ONS are bar pickups or meeting on Tinder for sex. This was a few weeks long affair with one instance of intercourse. What else went on before that? Kissing, hugs, sexy talk, manual stimulation, etc. all that counts too.

Also, using the term "only" diminishes the impact. Cheaters are notorious for minimizing their actions. They don’t need the betrayed to help them. Also, like I explained above, this wasn’t REALLY a ONS, was it?

You and your partner must fully acknowledge the scope and severity of the betrayal. Before you were cheated on would you accept ANY of this much less that it was "only a ONS once"?

Betrayal is betrayal. This was no accident….

When was the last time you could completely relax and enjoy your relationship? That should tell you everything you need to know to make a decision.

From someone that found out after marriage, if you are not married and have the opportunity to get out, do so. I’m not saying people cannot change. I am just saying that it is harder.

No kids, no house, no business. Don't bother with R.

An honest attempt to put myself in the no marriage, no children, no business, no house… mind set also.

8 years sounds like a long time-but the frequent "it’s complicated" status/break ups sounds exhausting and indicative of your future.

Break up for the final time and move towards a brighter future.

so he emotionally detached and broke up with me abruptly.

Jump On - Awful that you are having this experience. I hope that you consider the advice given as your partner has given you some serious 'red flags' to what lies ahead for you if you should decide to stay in this relationship. My STBXWS lied, cheated, broke up with me shortly after we started having sex when our relationship was beginning years ago. Coldly and abruptly just broke it off with me. Like you just wrote. Same thing. After a couple months, he begged me to come back to him, apologizing profusely and promising me everything including marriage. I would have saved myself so much heartbreak if I would have stayed away from him. This partner of yours will most likely continue with this behavior. Detaches and turns his back on you when you least expect it. He is showing you who he is - believe him. You say that you love him, but if you continue with him - one day you won't love him and you will wish that you never did love him.

This has been his lifelong pattern. I hope you see that.

Can he change? Yes.

Will he? Who knows. He could be great for the next 20 or 30 years and then a crisis hits and 💥 boom! He’s emotionally detached again and looking for something from someone else.

There’s no crystal ball unfortunately. It’s anyone’s guess though.

You deserve better than this. You are not in high school anymore. You both are in your thirties. There are plenty of people out there who have good moral boundaries and character that would never put themselves in these situations that hurt you. You deserve to be cherished by your partner as if they won the lottery and you can tell they feel that way when they look at you. It seems he has a lot of things to work on. How long until more validation or flirting from another woman is needed for him to feel good about himself? I would not risk it or bother with it. Especially with no kids and not being married. The time and energy you invest in him is the opportunity cost of possibly allowing someone better to come into your life. You deserve better than this.

But ultimately it is up to you. What do you want? What will you tolerate? What has been done to address his betrayal and the pain it has caused you? You say you love him. Why? What is it that you love about someone who can constantly and easily detach and break up and cheat? Sometimes we subscribe to the sunken cost fallacy because we have spent so much time together we are scared to start over with someone else or be alone. So we accept what we know and hope for the best. Is that really the strategy you want to subscribe to and follow? Hope he is sorry? Hope he changes? Hope he never does it again? Hope is not a strategy.

I wish you all the best!

You want to think he is special except his excuses sound like thousands He decided to test the waters to see what fish might bite. He says HE broke it off but how do you know if that is true. All of his remarks are very common on SI.
You need to be realistic. He cheated because he wanted to. He kept breaking things off with you because he had his eye on another woman. Your reality is he played you. He knows you love him and he took a chance. That doesn’t mean you need to break up permanently but you need to set some strong boundaries.
I always say look after your health. It is not good for you to live with this up and down he has inflicted on you. See a dr if you need help with anxiety and sleep.

I'm sorry, but I have to give you my impressions here - I think this is someone who is not going to commit, not fully, and he is perhaps manipulating you by withholding emotions or his physical presence. Maybe he has issues to work through...is there ANYONE even on this board who doesn't have issues to work through, including me? This Pull me - Push you pattern seems to be classic manipulation to me - give and take away, give and take away....it's like a classic way to fuel an addiction. Or hope. The friends, that he has chosen, do not seem to be good people at least not sexually or relationally, and they are not people who would be "friends of your relationship", in fact, I think they would hide or excuse anything he does. You moved for him previously which is a classic isolating act - do you feel isolated now, in fact?

You don't want to hear this, I'm sure, but at 33, I'd end this and move on. If you want to settle down and have a family - maybe you don't, which is fine - but if you do, you're wasting time on him, and I think if you were to end this, in a couple of years you'll be wondering, what the hell was I doing with this guy. He was a waste of time. Ask me how I know.

He may not be a bad guy, I'm sure you "love" him, he may even "love" you, in a co-dependent kind of way, he may be someone you could be friendly with, but he's not reliable as a mate, even perhaps, infidelity aside. I just don't want to see you spinning your wheels at your age, if this were me, I would say Adieu and move on. Or if you won't do that....at least put a definite time limit on the amount of time you're willing to spend on this - don't stay in limbo with him.

P.S. He might want to move in with you because he needs a place to live. You have no idea of what the truth is about him and his friends will only tell you what he will.