Thirteenthstepped (original poster new member #86362) posted at 2:05 AM on Wednesday, July 16th, 2025
[This message edited by Thirteenthstepped at 3:53 PM, Friday, August 8th]
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:21 AM on Wednesday, July 16th, 2025
Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're dealing with this. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that you may find helpful. Also, in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some really good posts pinned to the top that are great resources. The Healing Library has lots of resources.
Your WW (wayward wife) should read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.
If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist may be helpful for you. Betrayal trauma is not easy and sometimes you can feel like you're on board the crazy train.
Your WW should be in IC to work towards becoming a better and safe partner. She needs to own her actions and not blame you. You didn't cause her to do anything. Her actions are 100% hers. She may say she's sorry, but you've also found out that she's a liar. What do her actions tell you? If she doesn't back up her words with actions, you're going to be in a pretty rough spot. R (reconciliation) is a lot of hard work.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 6:09 PM on Thursday, July 17th, 2025
I know you are in the R forum, but I have a hard time giving R advice in your circumstance.
She is a repeat cheater plus TT.
You never got out of infidelity.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
Thirteenthstepped (original poster new member #86362) posted at 6:19 PM on Thursday, July 17th, 2025
[This message edited by Thirteenthstepped at 3:55 PM, Friday, August 8th]
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 6:52 PM on Thursday, July 17th, 2025
You know by way of TT she is a liar and you only have the tip of the iceberg. You are sort of rugsweeping because you don't want to know the extent of it.
You've stopped trusting your wife but you act like you still trust her. You are in danger.
Edit to add:
"How can you tell when the trickle truth stops?"
Written timeline plus polygraph. Or maybe if you are lucky you can get the information in some other satisfactory manner of information collection.
Otherwise:
[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 10:07 PM, Thursday, July 17th]
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 3:21 PM on Friday, July 18th, 2025
The only infidelity that has been confirmed is with the one guy over about a 3 month period,
As long as she’s still lying, trickle truthing, deleting messages and insisting that you rugsweep and stuff your feelings she’s still in a wayward mindset and you’re still stuck in her infidelity. She has to be 100% in on reconciliation for it to have a chance. You cannot drag her through R.
I make edits, words is hard
BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:38 PM on Friday, July 18th, 2025
You're both alcoholics, you have been investigated by CPS, and you had an restraining order put out against you... so yes, you are being an idiot for considering reconciliation.
Your focus should be on your own recovery from alcoholism, improving your mental health, and providing a safe and stable environment for your children. That is not possible in the context of trying to reconcile a relationship that is horribly toxic.
All that time and energy you're spending on trying to track who your wife is sleeping with would be better spent on trying to get your life back on track.
BW, 40s
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried
I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.
Thirteenthstepped (original poster new member #86362) posted at 6:40 PM on Friday, July 18th, 2025
[This message edited by Thirteenthstepped at 3:54 PM, Friday, August 8th]
