SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

1 year, 9 months, 25 days of IHS.

This calculation from an online tool (I haven't manually counted it). It has been Hell. At first (when I left our bedroom and moved across the hall), I had some hope, that my WX would come through for me after so many years of marriage. But no, my WX would disappoint me big time. Everytime. Time after time. Everytime. I don't even know him anymore. So, anyways here we are after all this time - and my efforts to get away are dashed time after time. Every day I get up and prepare our marital home for showings to prospective buyers and to look for another home to purchase. I have found 3 such homes in the last several months and all 3 times my hopes to get out of here and away from my WX are ruined. No buyer for our marital home, prospective new homes don't pass inspection or financing. How much longer can this possibly go on. While it does go on I have to live with him - he won't leave. Even though he was awarded a large sum from my account in the divorce proceedings. My WX shows me in words, looks, actions every day that he doesn't care about me. I don't understand how this can be happening after my whole adult life being in love with him and working so hard every day to benefit him and our children. Why is this happening to me. Why can't I change it. Why does it take so long. WTF. I keep trying to get out of this. But I am still here months after the divorce is final, months after our marital home has been for sale. And every day the same result. Recently I was able to procure financing where I can purchase a new home before our marital home sells (I am not able to rent or move in with family/friends). But, there isn't much out there to buy in this real estate market. Every day for hours I look for a home and go view them. Every day, for hours I clean and prepare our marital home for the showings (WX) helps very little. Only to be disappointed again at the end of the day. Marital home not sold, new home not purchased. For the most part I am strong emotionally - but, I'm worn out with all this. I try to put on a strong front for my adult children. Today the same thing, tomorrow more of the same expected. Really upset as this 4th home that I tried to purchase today fell through. At the same time a prospective buyer who gave us an offer to purchase our marital home - his financing is not valid. I need some support tonight.

[This message edited by icangetpastthis at 12:26 PM, Friday, February 27th]

Why hasn’t the house been sold? What does your relator say? How does the price compare to other houses in your area?
What does the divorce decree state? Who is the owner?
Can the divorce contract be revisited seeing as the house can’t be sold? It’s hardly an expectation that a divorced couple cohabit beyond some reasonable time.

What I worry about is this: Your ex is OK with the present situation. It’s financially acceptable to him, it’s enough freedom, and it gives him the ability to impact your life. For a narcissist this is the best of all worlds. I wonder if he or his actions are impacting the sales-process...

I encourage you to look at options. I’m going to list some ideas, and chances are none of them might apply. But maybe they get you thinking out of the box, because I really care that you don’t spend more time in this misery than needed:

What does the divorce decree say? Is one of you the owner of the house, or is it still joint property until sold? If one is the owner, but should pay the other half the sales-price... is there any way you could scrounge that money for a pay-out?
What would happen if you simply left... If you rented a small apartment, or even a room with a friend?
Same relator all this time? Is he doing his job? What does he say about why the house isn’t selling?
How would lowering the price and maybe accepting less of the amount due to YOU impact you? Like... would 10k less be worth it simply to get him out of your life?
Are there any legal resources available to you? Like... if you are the owner, can you start eviction procedures for your ex?
Is the cost of living and keeping that house clear? Like... is he paying half the mortgage, utilities, maintenance... If not – is there a way to legally make him obligated to do so. Even if he doesn’t it might deduct from his pay-out.

Wrong thread!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:34 PM, Friday, February 27th]

icangetpastthis, I can only imagine the hell you're living through, and you have my utmost sympathies. IHS is never easy, but 1.75 years is a lot!

I'm sorry the housing situation is so frustrating for you. I think Bigger asks some reasonable questions, especially regarding the price and condition of your house, and I also wonder why is so difficult to sell. Are you in a small town without much of a market? Does the house need some TLC/curb appeal? Sometimes a small investment like that, especially if you take it off the market for a couple months, can make it feel like a new house and bring in more prospective buyers (same with switch realtors). IIRC, the longer a house sits unchanged on the market, the harder it is to sell.

Regardless, it sounds like a horrible situation. I wish there was something we could do to help!

Finally the end of my IHS is coming close to being over. I can see to the other side of this. Our marital home is scheduled to be sold in the next week, and I have found a new home that is in process of finalizing that sale. WX is moving out next week - a tentative date as his new place is not finalized. While these events are happening, I find that I am getting more and more uncomfortable around him. He will be chatty about his plans, then accusatory about my activities. He thinks that I am seeing someone (I have no-one, and I am not looking for anyone). He is not happy about his share of our assets and feels that I hid assets from our divorce (not true).

Just for the fun of it – and as semi-payback for the emotional abuse he’s put you through.
Spend a couple of hours preening yourself, dress in a really nice dress, pack an overnight bag and then leave. Don’t answer the phone, don’t respond to texts…
Spend the night at a motel or with friends. Maybe grab a movie.
Come back at noon the next day – same clothes but slightly disheveled.
Act tired like you haven’t slept too much.
Act sore as if you had been doing stretches way beyond our ages abilities…
Maybe have a hard time sitting down.
Mid afternoon pretend to get a call… whisper and giggle on the phone.

And don’t say a word about where you have been or what you were doing…

Allow him to stew.

Nah… just a fun idea.

LOL to Bigger.

icangetpastthis, I'm so glad things are finally moving forward! Is WX becoming aggressive at all about these accusations? Do you feel safe continuing to be in the house with him? Weird and awkward is to be expected, but him getting upset about things you haven't done is of concern. I hope either he or you can move out soon!

Thanks, Bigger. I appreciate you.
It was more than a year ago when WX told me that he doesn't love me anymore. I backed way off and chewed on that for a long time. I struggled with that for a long time. Like how could he not love me? WTF. Who says that, who does that? That is where I was for weeks and months. Believable, he showed it to me everyday. The way he looks or doesn't look at me, the things that he says - or, doesn't say, the things he does - or doesn't do. Then I'm feeling angry. Why is he even here then? He should have left years ago. Would I stay with him all these years if I didn't love him? No. I would not. I would have worked out a plan, told him before or after I left - and then LEFT. It is true, he doesn't love me, not like he should after 50 years. If he tried to convince me now that he loves me would I believe him? No. I remember too many moments - too many - everyday. He showed me that he doesn't love me. I remember thinking that I need to accept this. Why does it hurt so much. It should not. This is the way he feels. He wants me to believe it. The world will still turn if he doesn't love me. In the big scheme of it all, does it really matter? And, if so, how much? So, I must accept it and then it won't hurt so much. So, I do. The thing is, is that realization makes it scary. What am I actually dealing with here? I don't know. That makes it scary, No Thanks. When he leaves in a few days, I'll change the locks.

Please be careful! Your XH is showing scary signs as his move-out approaches. Can you call a women’s shelter to discuss the possible ways he could act out in these last days? They might have a recommendation for how to handle it; whether you should be there, should you have someone there as support or should you just stay away, etc. Would it make sense for you to call the non-emergency local dispatch number to let them know of the situation?
Best wishes-