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Found out last week my husband has been cheating, we have 2 children and are married. I'm devastated and I don't know how to move forward now especially with the children. He met the woman at the gym, they became friends and he admitted he enjoyed spending time with her and things escalated. He insists there was only kissing but no sex but admitted there was talk of sex and if things had continued sex could have happened. She also said she loves him and he said it back although he claims he doesn't love her He was just scared about ending things with her and me finding out so he continued with it and essentially led her on but obviously I don't know if that's the case. He immediately cut contact with her and deleted her number,He admitted he has been selfish and only thinking of himself and completely neglected me and seems very remorseful. I have lost myself as a person and as a mum all I have done is take care of everyone and given up on myself which he also said he took for granted what I was doing and basically walked all over me because I was soft and he knew he could which he said he knows is fucked up and selfish (which is horrible to hear) but that is the case. He says being apart this week has really has hit home and says he will do anything to get me and the kids back including counselling etc. I just don't know if I can get over the thought of him kissing her and saying he loves her just kills me. Can you really make it work after that?

Selenite, I'm so sorry you are here. Truly, it's a horrible feeling and several people here, myself included, know exactly what you are going through. You have found a great place to vent, cry, ask for help, etc.

This early on post discovery, I just want to share a few pieces of advice.

1. Focus on yourself. 1 week post "D-Day" is a very hard time. You need to try to focus on yourself. You're probably not eating/drinking or sleeping. Try to eat something. A protein bar, crackers, anything. Mentally you are in a rough spot, try to physically improve yourself. Not eating/drinking or sleeping will only make your mental state much worse. Drink water regularly and try to eat something.

Sleeping is going to be much more difficult. Your thoughts will come to your head every night and anxiety/panic attacks may kick in. Try to journal during the day to get all of your thoughts our of your head. If you haven't sought after a therapist for yourself, I highly recommend you find one. There are several very good therapists that deal with this and can help you work your way through it.

2. Focus on your kids. This is a horrible event you are experiencing and extremely selfish act from your husband, but continue to focus on your children. Your kids should still be a focal point, and part of that is point 1, focusing on yourself. Be as strong as you can for yourself but also your kids.

Can you really make it work after that?

You're way to early to worry about this yet. Eventually you'll reach a point where you need to decide if you're going to stay together or divorce, but you're so early on with this ordeal.

This part may sting; what you know may not be all the details. There's a cheater methodology called "trickle truth" where once the gig is up they are only willing to give a couple of truths in order to save their "real life". You need full transparency and discover the truth. Once you have the full truth, you can make a decision about staying together or separating. But it's going to be a pain staking journey to find the truth and what you may find out during the fact finding mission may hurt. Many people here, myself included, suggest a polygraph.

He insists it was "just kissing", how can you be certain? If he's capable of doing this, can you be certain she was only one? If they are capable of being a cheater, they are capable of being a liar.

Is he still a member at that gym? If yes, why.

There's several literature out there affair spouses can read about helping their spouse cope with affairs. If he hasn't bought one yet, why?

Talk is cheap, actions mean so much more. If he's saying all the right things, that's great; is he doing the right things?

Continue to post, ask questions, etc. You've found a great support group and I'm rooting for you. But above all else, try to take care of yourself. Things will get better with time, but you need to focus on yourself.

First I am very sorry that you have been impacted by infidelity. We all understand everything you are going through as we have experienced the same thing.

There is a Healing Library here at SI that is full of resources to help you through this trauma. Please don’t hesitate to use it as there is almost nothing we have not faced as a result of cheating.

There is an excellent book by Linda MacDonald called How To Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. It is full of excellent advice. Your Cheating Husband (CH) should read it and so should you. It outlines what you should expect from your H if he truly wants to Reconcile (R).

Please continue to post here. We can spot fake reconciliation behavior a mile away. If your H’s actions don’t match his words, that is a red flag. Here’s an example. If you say to him that you want to have full access to his phone and all passwords — and he refuses— that is a red flag. 🚩 🚩🚩.

If you say you want to put a location tracker in his phone and he refuses, that is also a red flag. 🚩🚩

Often it is not the affair that is the issue, but the behavior of the cheater after Dday (discovery day) that kills the marriage. Just so you know, the marriage you had is somewhat over. You will need to build a new marriage and initially there is distrust between you. And rightfully so.

This is where the cheater has to prove to you that they really deserve to remain married. It takes years to get to a point where you have trust again.

And that is achieved by consistently showing you that the cheater is willing to make amends. Help you heal from the trauma caused by the affair.

You need your own counselor - professional therapist who has experience in infidelity.

Your H needs his own counselor too. To learn WHY he chose to cheat. Cheating is a selfish decision and there is NO GOOD REASON to cheat. Period.

I hope this advice helps you. Welcome to SI - a club no one wants to join.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:03 AM, Sunday, May 17th]

Thank you for your responses, it's just all consuming im sick of thinking about it! Yeah I do know about the trickle truth and I've given him multiple opportunities to tell me if they had sex and I've made it clear that I will message the other woman and ask her so if I hear anything from her that he's not told me then it's game over and there is no way of reconciling and he still maintains there wasn't sex, he said it was spoken about and if things had carried on it would have happened as it was quite passionate kissing (which is awful to hear but I would rather know that than just be told it was a peck) he said he didn't see a future with this woman he was just caught up in the excitement of something new and he became exhausted living a double life (poor him!!)but also this other woman seemed to think they would be together. He has clearly manipulated the both of us to fulfil his needs and he accepted there is something deeply wrong with him as he doesn't know how he could switch off from her when he came home but he did and he seems almost numb of any feelings which he also said isn't normal and he doesn't understand why. He said he will go to therapy to understand why he has done this.

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

I echo the emphasis on taking care of yourself. Get some exercise, that will help you mentally and help you sleep. If you need them, your doctor can give you sleep aids, as well as anti-anxiety medication and antidepressants.

As others have mentioned, you likely don’t have the full story. How long was this going on? People don’t usually start saying I love you after a few hang outs at the gym or a couple of dates. He should provide you with a time line that includes all of their interactions. Are all their texts deleted? Try to get ahold of those.

Don’t abide statements that include the words "only" or "just". That’s called minimization. He’s using it to reduce the scope of the betrayal and make you feel like you’re overreacting.

Finally, this statement that he did it because you’re soft and he could? That’s him literally telling you he doesn’t respect you. A HUGE part of your healing needs to be to learn how to stand up for yourself. You got to stop being a doormat Sister!

As a first step, see a lawyer. You can usually get an initial consultation for free. Let him know about it. It doesn’t commit you to a course of action, but it shows him that you’re not going to sit passively by. Judge him by his actions, and don’t just let him squirt a few tears to get you to commit to reconciliation.

Thank you, yes I'm well aware there will be more to it and he has said that they got close very quick and they did spend a lot of time together before hand as friends and obviously he got caught up in the whirlwind and he did think he loved her but now he doesn't know if he just loved the idea of her because of the attention but admitted he did care for her. Although it's horrible he is right I have been a doormat and I've given up on myself and let him disrespect me and he said he was attracted to the self confidence this woman had which I no longer had but he said he knows it's his fault that I wasn't confident any more and he missed that side of me which I understand that we havent been close like that for a very long time and we've both been unhappy but he has fully acknowledged he could have spoken to me about it but instead he tried to escape reality. So although I get it doesn't make it any easier to deal with and I know it's not my fault he did this but I do have alot of my own issues that I need to start working on :(

Although it's horrible he is right I have been a doormat and I've given up on myself and let him disrespect me and he said he was attracted to the self confidence this woman had which I no longer had but he said he knows it's his fault that I wasn't confident any more and he missed that side of me which I understand that we havent been close like that for a very long time and we've both been unhappy but he has fully acknowledged he could have spoken to me about it but instead he tried to escape reality. So

So he’s blaming you for his decision to cheat.

Typical cheater behavior BTW.

My H tried to use the excuse "we were disconnected". Nope WE were not. HE WAS. All his own doing.

Please find yourself a really good counselor who can help you navigate this. It will open your eyes as to what the CHEATER SHOULD BE DOING.

blaming you is not what he should be doing.

I can tell you from experience that if you don’t turn this around he will continue to think he can expect you to be a doormat. And that’s where the real problem begins.

When you start to stand up for yourself.

He won’t like it — but you MUST do it.

So sorry you had to find us. You have a good handle on things so turn your attention to taking care of you,

1) STD testing for you and him, and you need to see the results. He may be telling the truth, he may not. Either way, you both need a full panel to ensure if he is lying, your health is protected. If he balks, that’s not a great sign. And your doctor has seen/heard it all, no need to be embarrassed. Better safe than sorry when it comes to health.

2) Take care of yourself. Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol/recreational drugs, get some daily exercise and sleep. If you are having trouble eating, try protein shakes. If you are having trouble sleeping or with anxiety, see your doctor. Taking care of your physical needs will help you manage your emotional and mental needs. This is a TRAUMA and it takes a real toll on your body.

3) Read all the bulls-eyed posts in teh Just Found Out forum and read in the Healing Library (top menu). So much great information in those. Especially the 180 and the difference between regret and remorse.

4) Get IC for you, someone who is versed in trauma. This is your safe space to determine what you REALLY want and to process what has happened. Do you have anyone IRL to talk to? Someone who will support you no matter how this turns out (R or D)? Sister, Bestie, pastor?

5) Lawyer. See three as soon as you can. So much of our reactions after DDAY are based on fear of the unknown. We crave the comfort of what we known even if it is hurting us. So knowledge is power. Understanding what D would look like in your location and your circumstances will help with that knowledge and ease some of those fears. You do not need to tell him you are doing this and you do not need to file for D. This is an information gathering endeavor and helps to empower you.

6)is the AP married? If so, let her BS know. Again no need to tell your WS you are doing this. Nothing like daylight to put a damper on their illicit activities.

And you know this was not your fault but I hear you saying you have your own issues to work on. Yeah, we all do. We are all works in progress if we are self-aware. but FIRST you need to heal.

And he may be behaving nicely today and saying all the right things, but you will know with time if this is an act or performance or if he is really changing for the better. And by time, I mean years. so watch his actions and ignore the words. Words are cheap and easy (like the ones he told the AP ). His consistent, ongoing actions will show you if he is R material.

You've been getting great advice so far, I couldn't agree more with posters above.

I just wanted to add one more thing. You mentioned he said he was going to seek counseling. That's a great first step; you both should be in Individual Counseling. But there is such a thing as bad therapy. Some therapists now-a-days, especially online ones are horrible. If he's just finding an online therapist that's in network, he won't get the help he needs. When my wife sought after therapy I told her I didn't need to know what they talked about and that could be kept between them. But she ended up sharing a lot and the therapist was horrible. Pretty much validated her and didn't help her uncover why she did what she did.

We did marriage counseling as well. I spent a few hours with our marriage counselor and it was essentially me on trial about how I can fix my behaviors going forward to prevent my wife from stepping out again. "Well, sir, why didn't you take your wife out on more date nights prior to the affair? Going forward you need to schedule these monthly."

My jaw dropped at this turning around on me. Luckily my wife hated her personal IC as well as MC and we moved on from them both.

I told my therapist this as well as the struggles with my wife's IC and she immediately recommended an IC for my wife and said to pause on MC until she works out her issues. My wife's IC now is 100x times better, doesn't validate her for her actions but is helping her uncover her issues. (Obsessive need for external validation)

I say all this to make sure your husband isn't just getting some therapist to check the box that he's all in. He needs to research a therapist that is experienced in infidelity and the mental issues associated with it. If he has to come out of pocket with no insurance then that should be an investment well worth it if he's truly trying to save your marriage.

Same for you. Make sure you find a therapist that can help you cope with infidelity but also help you with your confidence issues. But please make NO mistake, you "being a doormat" is NO EXCUSE AT ALL for someone cheating. Do not let that thought enter your brain. He made the selfish decision to cheat. Everyone has issues; both personally and in their marriage, but the decision to cheat is made by one person in the couple, the CHEATER. You are a victim in his selfish act and have zero blame.

He could have talked to you about it, he could have divorced you, he could have offered marriage counseling. He took the cowardice path instead.

This is no small point.

But there is such a thing as bad therapy. Some therapists now-a-days, especially online ones are horrible. If he's just finding an online therapist that's in network, he won't get the help he needs. When my wife sought after therapy I told her I didn't need to know what they talked about and that could be kept between them. But she ended up sharing a lot and the therapist was horrible. Pretty much validated her and didn't help her uncover why she did what she did.

We did marriage counseling as well. I spent a few hours with our marriage counselor and it was essentially me on trial about how I can fix my behaviors going forward to prevent my wife from stepping out again. "Well, sir, why didn't you take your wife out on more date nights prior to the affair? Going forward you need to schedule these monthly."

My jaw dropped at this turning around on me. Luckily my wife hated her personal IC as well as MC and we moved on from them both.

I've seen more than a couple of instances of stories like this. Sometimes a therapist or counselor will "diagnose" the betrayed spouse as the one who is the most emotionally dysregulated. Well, no shit. They were just cheated on and are experiencing possibly the most traumatic event of their life! Anyone would be dysregulated when dealing with a trauma, but it's like they assume that they (the betrayed) have always been that way so they're the "problem" that needs to be "fixed."

You need to find someone who really understands betrayal trauma and knows and understands that the betrayed is going to be dysregulated just due to the trauma that was recently inflicted on them.

I told my therapist this as well as the struggles with my wife's IC and she immediately recommended an IC for my wife and said to pause on MC until she works out her issues. My wife's IC now is 100x times better, doesn't validate her for her actions but is helping her uncover her issues. (Obsessive need for external validation)

BB, that was a great catch. I'm very happy you didn't fall into the trap of allowing a crappy or uninformed counselor to pin it on you. Great job recalibrating and finding a more informed counselor who understands how to deal with your situation.

Hi, Selenite, you have gotten great advice, I just want to reiterate cheaters lie and minimize.

Too many of us here have heard we were just friends, we just kissed (that's what my husband told me until finally he admitted they had sex.) Ask him if he would be willing to take a polygraph test.

Please just be vigilant as it's very early in this nightmare, and you can't really trust his words right now, his actions will speak volumes.

I have been questioning if I should post this or not.
We tend to see the worst in all situations, and sometime we post or suggest even worse situations than are actually taking place. Like… if you had caught him "only" texting someone he works with but was located a 12 hour drive away posters here might be suggesting they had consummated the affair even if evidence supported it was always long-distance. I tend to warn against major assumptions, but rather that we focus on reality.

Well… I have questions, and those questions are based on assumptions…

Where did they meet to get to know each other, discuss the prospect of possibly having sex and to have their make-out sessions?
Behind the barbells? Or behind the protein-shake stand?
Did they make out in the doorway of the gym?

Does it make logical sense that a discussion goes from how to increase your glutes on to verbal pre-planning of sex?

Simple logic strongly indicates that they had some form of privacy, and that privacy probably went beyond a car randomly parked in the gym car-park. People having affairs tend to be discreet. It’s the classic "I go first, you go 5 minutes later, and you pick me up where I parked my car outside the mall". Or – if she’s unmarried – at her home.
Once private… how high-school is making out, discussing sex but not acting out on it?

Now – I might be completely off, but I trully think you don’t have the full truth, and until you have the full truth there isn’t much hope of reconciling.

Thanks I appreciate everyone's response. It's hard because we've had a lot of discussions about it, he still maintains no sex and I found the woman on social media and said I would Ask her and he said that's fine but he's adamant no sex took place so I don't know what to believe. He's saying and doing all the right things, he cut contact straight away and has cancelled his gym membership. He was seeing her at the gym and obviously they would sit in the car and chat afterwards or when walking our dog and they would sit in the car and kiss/touch. He said he's never been to her house she has 2 older children so I don't think he has been to her house.
he said that she was pressuring him for more and he couldn't give that to her as obviously he's married!!! She knew that and he said got too deep into it and couldn't see a way out without either one of us finding out and kicking off and he was relieved it was over as he was living a double life and he couldn't keep up with it. We are going to try and work it out but I've made it clear that if I find out anything else that he hasn't told me then it's game over and no going back and he still maintains there is nothing else so I don't know what else I can do really.

Trickle truth tends to kill more marriages than the infidelity itself.

I suggest this:
Tell him that right now he has 0 trust-points with you. You don’t believe a word he says. The only way to deal with that is to reach a status where you either believe him or are forced to believe him by some third-party validation.
Make it clear that if he shares NOW that they had sex or whatever the negative effects will be less than discovering it maybe six months from now. Any future discovery will be exactly like having a nicely forming and healing scab torn off a bleeding sore. NOW is the time to come clean.

Point out that there is external validation for his story…
You can arrange for a polygraph test where you have the operator ask questions regarding his affair, and if he passes then YOU will have the validation you need. He’s going to counter on the accuracy of these tests – where you respond that 70-80% accuracy is a lot higher than the 0% he has now…
Just make it clear that he has NOW and maybe the next 5 days to come clean. Once the test starts it’s too late. If he passes the test then YOU will be able to start rebuilding trust and possibly reconciling. If he fails then you know there is no trust, he doesn’t trust you with the truth, and there is no future.