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@feelingverylow I support you in your desire to come clean. I am not a psychic, and of course I cannot predict that will happen in your life, but what I CAN tell you as a Wayward Spouse is that I never realized the sheer weight I was carrying until I disclosed. I wrestled with whether I was doing this for me instead of my BH, but the fact is I am doing it for BOTH of us. We are touch and go at the moment, and we have not hit the awful part yet where he is angry and bitter, but I know it is coming once he gets over the initial shock and the knowledge that this marriage could end. There are no rules or a once size fits all when it comes to disclosure, but the comments and criticisms I got about "trickle truthing" really helped me. I finally disclosed as much as I could in one session, and we are continuing in this vein. We are talking. My BH has surprised me by being receptive to the "why's" behind the LTA, and he has been brave enough to acknowledge his part in some of our marital issues. That said, I am adamant about reminding him that my apology, my remorse and my desire to heal what I have broken all fall on ME and not him. Nothing he did makes what I did ok. Nothing.

There is a difference between a reason, an excuse and a justification. If you can express your remorse and stay away from language that makes any of what you did your spouse's fault, you will do better than some who can't stay away from talking that way. As far as how and what you say, that will all be up to you. But I support you and I know it is scary and difficult and all consuming. One thing I will not do is paint every WS as a monster. The people on this forum are real people. Flesh and blood. Human. Flawed. Not two dimensional.To that end I believe we should show grace and listen to both those who have transgressed AND those who have been betrayed in an effort to learn how this insanity of infidelity happens, and how we can grow and heal from it, no matter which corner we are standing in. I send you courage and support, and I promise you are not your worst day or your worst action .... you are only what you do next. That means you can change and be better every day. Be prepared for pain, but hope for relief and release and forgiveness. No matter what happens do your best. When the weight of this secret is lifted from your shoulders, it may be replaced by an even heavier weight of sorrow and guilt. That's ok. In time you will feel lighter because you came clean, and your spouse will have the information they are entitled to having.

Good luck, and thank you for supporting me and for saying such kind things. I do not feel strong or brave ... I feel desperate. I suppose all three can be true. Either way, if I have helped you in any way to summon up some courage, then good for you! You can do this.

[This message edited by dlvp at 6:30 AM, Friday, August 8th]

Thanks for your words of encouragement and apologies if I hijacked your thread. One of the big struggles I have is believing that disclosing will help with the shame spiral I am in perpetually. My therapist is adamant in her belief that to 50% of the weight will feel lifted after disclosure. Many of my sleepless nights (been up since 2:00 am today) are consumed by the ruminating thoughts and I keep getting stuck thinking that although the shame is due to the infidelity and subsequent dishonesty by omission, the weight is primarily due to the infidelity and disclosing does nothing to alleviate that.

I am encouraged when I read experiences like yours where disclosing was hard, but helped. I have lied to myself for 20+ years thinking not disclosing was protecting my wife, but know the only path forward is honesty. All of the research and work I have been doing to get to this pointv tells me that although this will crush my wife that disclosing is the right thing to do regardless of the outcome.

In my last therapy session we talked about what was happening when the affair took place. I look at myself 20 years ago and can barely recognize who I was. I would give all my wealth to have a time machine so I could go back and tell myself the outcome of the choices I was going to make. My therapist reinforced that we are not defined by our worst choices, but that just is not landing right now as I feel like any good I have done is like a drop in the tainted ocean from infidelity.

One of my main objectives in therapy is to be at a place where I can disclose and be helpful in her healing. I need to get to the point where I am not focused on the shame I feel. One of the impacts of carrying this for so long is that I feel like it is part of my DNA now. Someone who is disclosing an affair that has just ended might find comfort when people say it will get better over time. I need to remind myself that although the affair ended 20 years ago, time has not been able to help me because I tried to bury everything thinking I could take it to my grave without understanding the toll it would take.

Sorry for the hijack. I am on this site and in the relevant reddit forums almost every day. I worry at times this might be a form of pain shopping as I read the brutal experiences from BSs, but I have also found support and community with others that sadly have shared life experiences.

[This message edited by feelingverylow at 8:53 PM, Friday, August 8th]

Dlvp and FVL

Your conversations have been very helpful for me as a BS who found out 42 yrs later. The sharing of your deepest thoughts and struggles echo some of the things my WH has tried to communicate to me. I can hear your pain, your disgust and self loathing but I can also feel the love you have for your spouse. The desire to be accountable and honest.

I have asked myself often if I would rather have not known and can now honestly say that even with all the misery that has come from his confessions that I am glad I know. I truly believe my H did not confess to lessen his guilt(BTW it doesn't) I do believe he did it for us. Yes, it does move the plate of sh*t over to my side of the table and let me tell you it doesn't taste good. But it does open up a whole new world for the two of us going forward. He is a changed man. Overnight. Lighter, humbler, connected. One that I can work with.

I love the man. Whether I'm with him or not, I care about him. His shame and guilt altered our entire marriage. Don't think you're protecting anyone by not being honest. The distance created by carrying such an awful secret will take a toll. Come clean. Give it your best and accept your consequences.

So thank you both for your honesty. I wish you both the best.

disclosing is the right thing to do regardless of the outcome

This. The reclamation of integrity and the cessation of deceit is the highest ideal. This applies to both situations.

Trumansworld

Your post really impacted me. Thank you.

One of my main objectives in therapy is to be at a place where I can disclose and be helpful in her healing.

How do you envision being helpful in her healing?

I ask because you can't do much except support your partner in their healing. You do that by being yourself. Maybe she'll leave; maybe she'll stay; but if you're honest about yourself (and you're a lot more than a WS), you'll give her the info she needs to make a good decision for herself.

R is hard work, but it's a bit easier if both of you want the prize, which to me is worth the effort. What you can do, whether you D or R, is close up some of your vulnerability to cheating. You can change yourself from cheater to good partner.

I generally think sooner is better for revealing an A, but I also think coming clean id much better face-to-face than through electronic media, so I understand your waiting a month.

My W came clean when she revealed her A. I got more details during my months of interrogation, but the outline I got in the first few minutes was never contradicted. Her honesty was a very strong signal, IMO, that she would do the work she needed to do to R.

Be honest. You've got nothing to lose but illusions.

I am spending the next few therapy sessions trying to game tree what I will do depending on how my wife reacts and how I can best support her. This is partly for me as I do better when I have a plan with contingencies, but the main goal is to ensure I can be supportive if that is what she wants.

I am going to start with total transparency. That may seem obvious especially for an affair that ended 20+ years ago, but as I have been reminded on this forum that may not be as easy as it sounds if she wants to have details that are uncomfortable to reveal. I have always had difficulty seeing people I care about in pain and that often leads to me trying to "fix" whatever is the source. In this case the source is me and my instinct knowing a detail might cause additional hurt would be to minimize. I have written down everything I can remember about the affair including details that were uncomfortable for me and that I had to really spend time processing just to avoid blocking them out. My therapist will help with a full disclosure if that is something my wife wants and we will do it in a session. The practice often works with sex addicts, but has modified the disclosure approach for my situation.

I will be there to validate her pain and hold space if she will allow it. I have always been the more emotional of us, but she has never had something like this in her life so I anticipate she will need time and therapy to even start the recovery process. My therapist has colleagues in her practice or referrals for other practices that specialize in betrayal trauma if my wife wants to start IC. I really hope she will, but this is a big unknown for me as she has never really contemplated therapy and might have an aversion to talking to other people about this even in that setting. Regardless, I want to be there in any setting for however long it takes. I tend to want to talk about things much more than she does, but I will never limit how much she wants to discuss or yell or cry without trying to jump to a fix. I hope she takes as much time to process this as she needs and I hope she allows me to take that journey with her.

I will continue to work on myself. One thing I am realizing more is that my childhood had way more trauma than I want to admit. I thought I had processed my dad's infidelity and subsequent abandonment of our family, my mom (who is the best mom and who sacrificed more than I can explain to keep our family moving forward when she could have wilted with the shitty hand my dad dealt her) who remarried a few years later introducing a very tough blended family dynamic, early sexual activity (that I used to chalk up to being a teenage boy, but am understanding why being very sexually active too early creates issues), orientating my career in the pursuit of wealth because money was so tight after the divorce, etc. I originally started therapy thinking it was too prepare for disclosure, but I have lots to continue processing about my infidelity even though it was 20+ years ago. I actually think it is more difficult to process because it has festered for so long.

My journey is a bit different than some as my wife does not need to worry that the affair is still happening / that I am still in contact with the AP (we have had no contact in 20+ years); however, I will need to rebuild trust the same way any Wayward does.

My two biggest worries (that are ironically on the opposite ends of the spectrum) are 1) she will want to rug sweep rather than process the trauma or 2) the infidelity and not disclosing for so long will be too much to want to continue. I want to support her however she needs, but realize that choice is hers and I may not be part of her healing.

[This message edited by feelingverylow at 1:51 PM, Monday, August 11th]

My therapist has colleagues in her practice or referrals for other practices that specialize in betrayal trauma if my wife wants to start IC. I really hope she will, but this is a big unknown for me as she has never really contemplated therapy and might have an aversion to talking to other people about this even in that setting.

Be very cateful with this fvl. Project nothing. Just let your BS process with no preconceptions or suggested contingency plans as to how she may react.

but realize that choice is hers and I may not be part of her healing.

Exactly. The choice will finally be hers.

Follow through sir.

Update. We are talking for hours every day and this man is showing me a level of grace that I never knew was possible. I stopped the trickle truthing and followed the advice on this forum. Scary and hard, but so worth it to come clean. We are having marathon talks and they happen organically. We are having the kind of talks I dreamed about during the whole 15 years of marriage. The disconnect we were living through is slowly being healed and I know it will take time and lots of tears.

I have maintained NC with the AP and have had to block random social media profiles that have sprung up as he tries in vain to stay connected. First there was a new email address and message (I had to write him a "stay away" message and block that one too). Then there was the suddenly following me on IG and my FB personal and business pages stuff, etc,. Blocked right away as well! I block every time something like this happens. I tell BH everything. We are in full transparency mode now. He knows AP is still obsessed. He says he is more worried about the AP finding a way to get to me somehow and wear me down, than he is that I will be the one to reverse course. I keep reminding him that it is on me to do what is right, and that I am the one who broke our vows. He knows that but right now he thinks the AP has a lot of power over me. Why wouldn't he? He is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel confident about my future behavior because my fog has finally really lifted, but I understand his fear. We talk about all of it.

In the mean time, I answer questions as they come up. We are battling through the hard and scary conversations, but with kindness and patience. Like when we first fell in love. It astounds me that we are able to do this, but it is why we married each other in the first place. That level of connection that somehow got lost. He has acknowledged a lot things about his part in the problems in our marriage, but I am constantly reminding him that my betrayal has no excuses. I am lifting him up and reassuring him in every way I can, but also giving him space to process everything.

I keep waiting for the big boom to come where he changes his mind about reconciliation and decides he can't take it, but after 30 years of friendship and 15 years of that time being in a marriage, he has decided that I and we are worth it. I am humbled beyond words, and even though I struggle with believing that I deserve any kind of forgiveness or redemption, I am trying to do as he asks and "take the wins" when he offers them to me.

I start back with IC next week so that I don't overwhelm him with my own journey of guilt and shame, but the stuff that is coming about about the ASSUMPTIONS we have both been making for years is jaw dropping. The stuff about our childhood and our patterns could be a movie. All of it is fascinating, terrible, beautiful and awful depending on what chapter of our stories we touch. The consistent thing is the love we feel for each other. It amazes me. We have drawn up many rules and boundaries for the new normal, and he too is waiting for everything to fall apart again in spite of these new agreements. I get it. We are both cautiously optimistic and scare, but we're doing this thing.

All of this is before we have even started with MC. Our night time talks sound like there is counselor in the room ... it is so odd. We are finally listening to each other. I know this is all precarious and that everything could turn on a dime, but I am sticking to what I said I would do, and I am walking through a new and surreal life with no secrets. It feels like I am on Mars after 15 years of a double life. My therapist says my selves are "integrating." All I know is things are better, and I am taking it one day at a time. Thanks to all who have weighed in. Not one comment has been unhelpful, and I am grateful to be here.

[This message edited by dlvp at 6:55 PM, Tuesday, August 19th]