SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can't make others understand what I'm saying if they don't want to.

For my understanding and to be able to try and give advice, who was your AP and did he also have a partner/wife? How did you meet him? I can't seem to find it in any of your posts.

GottheMorbs

I get your point. Makes sense to me.

Everyone feels and experiences and heals differently. That’s the point of this site.

We can debate points and analogies etc. but I can say that the best revenge is living your best life.

My H tells me he worries about us as a couple. Me — I’m just living my best life.

GotTheMorbs,

Heard and understood. Thank you for that.

I am curious and would appreciate your thoughts if you will indulge me.

Do you think I am intellectually incapable of understanding you and your responses?

Or do you think I am emotionally in a state where I am not able to respond in a logical and intelligent way to your responses?

What do you think is going on with me? What do you think my problem is?

I broke my toe or foot last weekend at my friend's mountain house by accidentally kicking her couch late at night. I've spent the week with my foot elevated and throbbing and trying not to move and sleeping poorly. I'm not in the best head space. Ha ha.

The WS can do their best to off recompense. It's the BS that ultimately balances the scales.

I'm not talking revenge affair, but only the BS can know what it takes in their relationship to feel equal again.

KitchenDepth,

Sorry to hear about your injury.

This isn't to say anything about your intellectual capabilities or emotional state. It just felt like we were having two parallel conversations and struggling to bridge them. I think two intelligent people can interpret the same words through different frameworks and end up talking past each other.

I'm trying to respond differently in those situations than I have previously and use a couple mantras to help me recognize when it's time to step away. I also don't want to take LonelyGuilty's thread further off topic, so I think that's all I'll say here.

Speedy healing.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 7:32 PM, Saturday, July 4th]

Thank you all for taking time to share your experience, views and thoughts.

A lot of different perspectives, from members who have reconciled for a while, members who divorced, and members who are more or less where I am now (in terms of time from DDay).

I am on my phone now, so I struggle to quote the parts that stood out more / resonated more.

Every angle is really insightful and I will need some time to absorb all of it. Thank you.

Lonely guilty

You can’t, nor you should aim to.
And I could spend a lot of words here but there’s a better way:

No answer is as elegant as it question

Ask yourself

What there’s to balance?

You already see it now.

It’s trauma, identity and reality destruction of a person who loved you.

It’s possible to "get even"?
Yes, if your partner’s goal is revenge, then he could work to make you fall in love so deeply that you will reach out to the happiness it always eluded you in your life, make you feel finally alive and at home, complete…

And then destroy you. Shatter everything you have, humiliate you and in the height of your suffering leave you for another woman while laughing at your traumatized face.

Build you up, while digging your grave.

That’s what would probably make a BS feel better about your betrayal. Revenge, payback, to throw you in the same dark place you and your affair partner threw them.

It will not heal you or your BS nor make either of you a better person.
At best it will make you feel it and understand what you did.
So probably you will feel even more miserable.

Then the books are balanced, once you lost any agency, hope, love.

Is it something worthy to aspire to?

I doubt, it is not worthy and this is coming from a guy who is pretty big on revenge.

If there’s any shred of love left, any good memory… just drop the revenge.

Don’t balance the books, it’s a mirage, a Fata Morgana, there’s only pain there.

You want to reconcile, balancing the books it can be done only by your BS if the goal is your annihilation.

Forget it both for this is what it looks like.

Live for today at your best and carry the wound as a memento of how you can fall. So both of you will never fall again, because you will be always ready to catch one another.

That’s the best you can do.

Balance the books is the furthest place from love there is.