I haven’t posted in a long time, but I wanted to share with everyone what I feel I’ve worked through after the madness of dealing with an affair. Partly because it is always helpful to have these conversations with people who understand the experience, and partly because as I found so much help from reading other’s stories that I hope mine can help.
To the people here who helped me, even when I didn’t want to hear it i still say thank you and I do apologize for my dramatic response.
Those who read this post and know my history and chose to respond, I ask to not insult WW. It’s all been said, I get it.
It’s been over a year since dday3, and well over 3 since all of this affair garbage started.
I’m in a much better place, but it required me to come to terms with a lot. First I had to admit and accept my own insecurities that were amplified a 1000 plus when I discovered the affair. I actually never believed I was insecure, but I also never had my marriage challenged. When I first discovered the she had "only" an EA, (a major lie and also doesn’t matter cheating is cheating) WW had 0 problems blaming me for her actions and i accepted them because I was scared. Scared to lose her honestly because at the time I was madly in love with her, and I felt if she was straying it was because i failed.
I was also scared to leave her because I didn’t want to be the loser divorced dad whose wife left him for someone else. Cucked loser. All that. I blamed myself, and of course WW took full advantage of it so she could keep her A going. It’s pretty disgusting looking back.
To really start healing I had to actually forgive myself first. I sacrificed a massive portion of my self respect for keeping my marriage, but I was trying to save a marriage that was dead and I was doing it alone. It was the wrong decision but it was the best I could do with the very limited information I had.
Next I had to actually realize that she cheated because of her. Not a damn thing I did caused it. She cheated because she wanted to. It was really hard to accept that honesty. Ties in with my own denial of my insecurities. It took about 2 years for me to realize that cheating is her problem and not mine. Still hurts of course, but letting go of unwarranted guilt for her actions allowed me to focus on myself.
Finally I stopped feeling jealous of her affair. I absolutely wanted an RA, especially after dday3. But it was more to prove that I’m not a loser. I never acted on it, and honestly I don’t feel jealous anymore. I see the affair in its fully ugly light, and it’s honestly just gross. Two broken selfish people hurting each other, and the ones who actually care about them, ruining their lives and then lacking the self awareness to see how pathetic it is.
To those just starting, be patient and kind with yourself. It’s hard, it’s awful, but as you work through these horrible things you will start to see the truth. The doubt, self blame, anger, insecurities, all of it is part of the horrendous experience of being with a cheating partner.
